Pizza Hut vs. Domino’s will go down alongside Magic Johnson vs. Larry Bird, Iggy Azalea vs. Azealia Banks, and Delta Airlines vs. Ann Coulter as one of history’s all-time great rivalries.
In 2016, the two chains made up 69% (nice) of the total gross sales of the top 10 pizza companies combined. You can waste your breath boosting Papa John’s, or Little Caesar’s, or Blaze all you want, but this was and always will be a two-horse race.
When the impending nuclear holocaust finally happens and all Earth’s natural resources are controlled by fast-food chains in a proto-feudalist society, you’ll need to pick a side to fight for. So I am.
I’m coming into this thing completely neutral—the Switzerland of entirely manufactured pizza-chain pissing contests. The only thing I care about when ordering cheap delivery pizza is whose coupons were most recently in my mailbox. There is nothing to cloud my judgment.
There are a couple ground rules for the comparison. I wanted to do my pizza analysis in the most natural environment possible, which meant it had to be delivered. I appreciate that Pizza Hut pioneered the fast-food pizza buffet, but only a sociopath would eat a sit-down meal at Pizza Hut in 2017. Delivery and take-out account for more than 76% of the total pizza market for a reason.
“When the impending nuclear holocaust finally happens and all Earth’s natural resources are controlled by fast-food chains in a proto-feudalist society, you’ll need to pick a side to fight for. So I am.”
Rather than order a pizza straight up, I went to the online coupons section for both places and scoped out the best deals that would still be easily comparable. You should never pay full price for a fast-food pizza. Domino’s had two large two-topping pizzas for $19.99 total, and Pizza Hut had two large two-topping pizzas for $7.99 each. Those are both good deals.
Choosing which crust to go with was tricky, but I feel I made the right call. I chose pan pizza for Pizza Hut, and hand-tossed for Domino’s, both because those were the respective default choices on each chain’s website, and those are each chain’s core competencies. You go to Taco Bell, you get a crunchy taco; you go to Pizza Hut, you get a pan pizza. Everyone knows that. Plus, Domino’s only added pan pizza to the menu in 2012, and it only comes in medium, and ordering a medium pizza is stupid. Like, it’s 80% crust at that point.
As far as toppings go, the main comparison had to be straight pepperoni vs. pepperoni. I should not have to explain or defend this. I don’t even like pepperoni all that much—sausage gang or die—but, come on, it’s pizza.
We’re not trying to reinvent the wheel, but it would also be in bad form to ignore the newer, more foodie-facing innovations. So, for the second pizza that would satisfy the coupon, I decided to pick sauces and toppings using this super rad Random Thing Picker. God of internet randomness chose ham and jalapeno with BBQ sauce. Pizza Hut’s offering will be served with a pretzel crust, because apparently that exists now. The wildcard pizza will act as a tiebreaker if that situation shall arise.
Let’s get weird and analyze a few $8 pizzas more than any $8 pizza should ever rightfully be analyzed.