Is nothing sacred?
Over the years, the world has been forced to bear witness to a number of seriously misguided attempts to improve upon the hamburger—one of America’s most sacrosanct culinary traditions and a source of unbridled national pride. In 2016, burger buns are dyed horrifying hues of red, green, black, and pink, shamelessly sandwiched between two pucks of freeze-dried noodles, and topped with every outlandish meat, vegetable, and condiment known to man.
And even though a “bun” is clearly defined as a “bread roll of various shapes and flavorings,” that doesn’t stop cultural assassins from attempting to reinvent the proverbial wheel. Now, the phenomenon of avocado buns has become the latest viral trend to infect the purity of the burger.
Just look at this abomination.
While there are those who will insist on calling this healthy-fat-filled monstrosity your “new BFF,” the “next 'in' thing in food” and the “best thing since sliced bread,” don’t be fooled. Simply put, the avocado bun is against the laws of nature.
How can you enjoy a burger when your fingers are constantly sinking into a small swamp of luke-warm mush, your mouth shamelessly covered with a congealing mess of green goop? The classic burger bun not only adds an extra layer of taste to a hamburger patty, but serves as a protective shield for the diner—the only line of defense standing between you and the chaos of ketchup, cheese, and pickles waiting within.
Ultimately, this is not a burger. It's a salad.