Ah, Florida, you never seem to disappoint. This week's tale of ludicrous swamp life centers around Gwendolyn, a domesticated alligator with a taste for junk food. 

According to WTSB, Gwendolyn belongs to a man named David Van Buren, who met his amphibious friend some 47 years ago when he was nine. For nearly five decades, Van Buren has cared for his pet—even taking Gwendolyn with him when he went off to college—but now Florida Fish and Wildlife officials are asking him to give her up, claiming the 13-foot gator has grown too big for his yard. 

With a bond longer than the vast majority of marriages, David knows exactly what Gwen likes to eat, and for the most part, it's the same diet as your average college student. David hand feeds Gwendolyn pizza and Chips Ahoy! cookies whenever she's hungry. 

"Look at this. Now we're excited," Van Buren says, tossing a few cookies in Gwendolyn's mouth. "You like that, huh?"

Having spent the vast majority of his life with Gwendolyn, Van Buren isn't letting his best friend go without a fight, maintaining that the animal is healthy and completely contained on his property with no possibility of escape. And besides, do we really want this massive gator out in the wild, free to hunt at local Pizza Hut's and 7-Elevens? 

[via Esquire, WTSB]