Chipotle has become like the Starbucks of burritos, where everyone is so familiar with the menu that they have no qualms about customizing every minuscule of their meal, line behind them be damned. We’ve also all developed our own unique tactics for coaxing an extra scoop of meat out of the servers (pro tip: get Machine Gun Kelly to help you out).
Beyond initiating a “36 Questions”-style interrogation, watching someone place an order is one of the quickest ways to learn everything you need to know about them. Here’s a scientifically rigorous field guide to common Chipotle orders, and what they say about you.
Ordering off the menu at Chipotle puts you in the middle of a strange Venn diagram that includes A) people who are so status-obsessed that they always have the insider the option, and B) people who eat at Chipotle regularly. You are a hypebeast of the highest order—a person who lives for “Animal-Style” 4x4s, Nutella Frappucinos, and other “secret” items in order to let your Instagram followers know that you are one savvy bro. If you play your social-media cards right, no one has to know that you still live in your parents’ basement.
You’re a vegetarian who believes you have the right to spend $12 on a burrito like everyone else in America. It doesn’t matter that it’s just cheap tofu—it’s the precedent that counts. You’ve said, “Is the guac vegan?” out loud, and you’re not ashamed of it.
Alternatively: You are so angry that there’s no carnitas, you blacked out and became a vegetarian. (Photo: Chipotle)
Every time you see the “Sorry, No Carnitas” sign, you post it on Facebook with a impassioned 500-word tirade about the decay of American society. Fracking? You’re all for it. Blue-fin tuna on sushi night? Obviously. You know that one day our bones will erode into nothingness, and future generations are probably screwed anyone, so you might as well get what you want right now. Is that too much to ask?
Corn tortilla barbacoa tacos
Saying “barbacoa” and designating “corn tortillas” as a point of pride might make you feel like you’re keeping it auténtico, but you’re still eating at Chipotle, player. You’re the type of person who breaks into a bizarre accent when using Chile or Diego Maradona in a sentence, and that’s cool—we appreciate your desire to not be a stereotypical American whose knowledge of foreign things peaks at Iggy Azalea. But let’s be real: Chipotle is not Mexican food, so you can drop the act and appreciate it on its own terms—order a chicken quesarito and get with the program.
Alternatively: You actually want a burrito but know that if you have one you’ll end up in the fetal position at the base of your standing desk. (Photo: fourpoundsflour.com)
No matter where you go, you’re a legend at turning the salad category into a sneakily indulgent calorie bomb. At the deli, you add bacon bits and ranch like they’re going out of style. At Chop’t, your bowl always comes out as a pile of flank steak and falafels with a few leaves squished underneath. But hey, all the calories are totally in the tortilla, right? Keep telling yourself that as you ask the server to pile up the barbacoa and extra sour cream on your iceberg.
Alternatively: You are a carbophobe who just loves fast food. (Photo: Flickr/Mike Saechang)
Margaritas with chips and guac
Well, well, well—who is this unconscionable clown we have before us? Going for drinks at a fast-food restaurant is like asking for sofritas at an Irish pub. Pro tip: You can separate the fuccbois from the irredeemable fuccbois by seeing who upgrades to Patrón. Trying to stunt at the Chipotle is a sure sign that you should stop listening to so much Drake and start paying off your student loans.
Alternatively: You are about to hop on the Acela and you’ve failed to realize that the Amtrak Cafe Car is the best bar in America. (Photo: Yelp)