Out of the 10 roasters tapped for this evening’s Justin Bieber Comedy Central Roast special, Martha Stewart was the biggest curveball.
In a lineup that included Snoop Dogg, Ludacris, and Kevin Hart, the lifestyle guru and DIY homemaker mogul slayed literally everyone. Then again, she is “the only white woman with more street cred than Luda and Snoop combined.”
Queen Martha went balls to the walls with her joke telling. She was outright vicious, and her deadpan delivery was spot-on.
Here are the best lines from Martha Stewart at the Comedy Central roast.
To Kevin Hart:
“Kevin is one of the biggest movie stars in the business right now, and he deserves it. He struggled for years. When he finally got his first big paycheck, he spent $150,000 on a watch. I forget that term for that, it’s not African American rich…it’ll come to me…Justin you know the word.“
“I believe the bedroom is the most important room in the house, but I don’t have to tell you that, Ludacris. You have three kids with three different women. May I suggest pulling out sometime and finishing on some fine, highly absorbent, Martha Stewart bed linens?“
“It’s nice to see Snoop again. One of the highest-rated episodes of my show ,Martha Stewart living, was when Snoop and I made brownies together. I’ve used his recipe ever since. As a matter of fact, I ate three of them right before they called and asked me to do this roast. Snoop, I see you’ve been following my beauty regimen. You would never know that snoop dog is 43 now, which is three times as long as actual dogs live, and twice as long as most of his friends.“
To Natasha Leggero:
“I taught Snoop that the most important thing in business is diversification. Besides his music career, Snoop now has produced a porn movie—and by the way, Natasha, you were great in that. So I guess that tonight’s the second time you’ve worked with five black guys.
You know, I do a lot of gardening, but you are without a doubt the dirtiest used-up hoe I have ever seen. Natasha, when a woman is as sexually-active as you are, they have to take special care of their body. I’ve come up with a douche that no one has ever heard of—you know, like Chris D’Elia.”
To Hannibal Buress:
“And, Hannibal, all night I’ve been trying to figure out who you remind me of. Then it hit me: You look just like that gingerbread man I left in the oven too long.“
To Justin Bieber:
“Let’s get to the reason I’m here tonight, which is to give Justin Bieber some tips for when he inevitably ends up in prison. I’ve been in lock up, and you wouldn’t last a week, so, pay attention: The first thing you’ll need is a shank. I made mine out of a pintail comb and a pack of gum. I’ll show you how later—it’s so simple. I found Bubblicious works best, and it’s so much fun to say.
You see, when I did my stretch, all the hoodrats on my cell block wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart’s ass. So, I decided some bitch needed to get got. I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull dike, and I stuck her. From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones. Shaq, I hope your mom doesn’t still hold a grudge.”
At the end of the roast, Stewart straight-out told J-Bieb that they should be together, and described herself as “a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bed.”
She said, “Justin, before I go, here’s my final piece of advice: You have to settle down, bring some balance into your life, find yourself the right gal—but she’ll have to be someone on your level, someone powerful and famous and rich. Someone you can smoke a joint with, or indulge in the occasional three-way. I’m talking about a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom. So, Justin, my final piece of advice is: Call me.“
Watch the whole glorious roast below.
[via Comedy Central]