The sordid, poster-clad bedroom of a #sadboy is like a melancholy force field that’s impenetrable to Cupid’s arrows—a place where February 14 means Hot Pockets and Donnie Darko, not steak-for-two at a romantic bistro. But it’s time to snap out of your misery, young man. Just because you’re riding solo this year (slash forever) doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy the only thing this Hallmark holiday is good for: chocolate. Skip the heart-shaped boxes of struggle truffles and treat yourself to these next-level chocolate bars instead. You deserve it (sort of).
Murray’s Munchies Salty Caramel
Dark chocolate, chewy chunks of caramel, and fleur de sel form like Voltron to make this chocolate bar more addictive than a Drizzy hook—and just as smooth. $5, murrayscheese.com
The classic #sadboy snack gets a sweet upgrade in this Brooklyn-made treat, featuring a crunchy peanut-and-almond praline and raspberry puree. Compelling evidence that all sandwiches should come in a chocolate-bar shell. $5, tumbadorchocolate.com
Jacques Torres Bean to Bar Milk Chocolate
The O.G. French chocolate wizard Jacques Torres is behind this purist’s chocolate bar. It’s so good you’ll be licking the residue off your laptop as your cocoa-stained fingers cruise through PornHub’s latest uploads. $7, mrchocolate.com
Theo Chocolate My Cherry Baby
No cherries are getting popped in your room on Valentine’s Day, but at least you can enjoy tangy, freeze-dried pieces of the fruit enrobed in luxurious fair-trade chocolate. $4, theochocolate.com
Liddabit Sweets Chocolate Honeycomb Candy
These craggy pieces of chocolate-covered honeycomb shatter in your mouth like delicious broken dreams. But don’t worry—once you make it through Japanese for Dummies, you’ll totally score that Harajuku hottie. $10, liddabitsweets.com
…and there’s more!
Madécasse Espresso Bean Bar
Get your caffeine and chocolate fix in one ethically sourced package, created by former Peace Corps volunteers in Madagascar. The crunch comes from real pieces of ground up Arabica coffee, which will help you stay up later and listen to more Spooky Black. $5.99; madecasse.com
Askinosie Chocolate Toasted Coconut Bar
This Springfield, MO–based chocolatier teamed up with the lifestyle blog A Beautiful Mess for this coconut-packed “CollaBARation,” which is basically an adult twist on a Bounty bar. A beautiful mess—sounds like your life, right? $9; askinosie.com
French Broad 45% Riverbend Malted Milk Chocolate
Note: This article originally appeared in the Dec/Jan issue of Complex Magazine.