Do you sit around, asking yourself questions like, “What if I created the world’s first kimchi vending machine!?” Alternatively, do you claim to be the inventor of the combo hotdog and hamburger bun? Well, you aren’t. Sorry.

Inventors have patented ideas for a wide array of ridiculous food and drink inventions. Looking at you, firearm with mounted whiskey glass.

From nicotine-infused coffee to edible business cards, here are eight food patents we think are as marketable as they are absurd. One can only hope they go mainstream sometime soon.

Combination Hamburger and Hot-Dog Bread Bun

HamburgerHotdog

It’s the Fourth of July, and you’re struggling with the very serious decision of whether to eat a burger or hot dog. The cookout conundrum is over, thanks to this revolutionary bun. It’s part hot dog bun, part hamburger bun, fully functional meat cover. We should mention if you’re more of a protein fan, or on a low-carb diet, you could also head over to Marty’s Hamburger Stand in Los Angeles for The Combo Burger, which is a hamburger patty topped with a hot dog on a normal burger bun. To our knowledge, the Combo Burger is not a patented invention. (Photo: patent USD584478)

Patent Filed: 2009


Watermelon Carrierwater

 

Carrying watermelons is a real struggle. Pushing this watermelon-carrier patent mainstream means no more dropping your watermelon in the middle of the Whole Foods parking lot. Something awesome that you can actually buy (in Japan): This portable watermelon carrier/fridge. (Photo: patent US2665162)

Patent filed: 1954

Nicotine-Infused Coffee

nicotine-infused-coffee

With nicotine coffee, you can have your addictions and drink them too. The inventor-specified ways of adding nicotine to your cup of joe: a dissolvable tablet or nicotine-coated coffee beans. Now, smokers won’t have to deal with the nuisance of never having a lighter, or the annoyance of not being able to smoke inside coffee shops; just dissolve a tablet straight into your morning brew. (Photo via Business Insider)

Patent Filed: 2004


Firearm with Mounted Whiskey Glass

Whiskey Gun

Inventor Frank G. Bohn claimed this patent was designed with a toy gun that “serves as an amusement novelty for drinking a shot of liquor.” We can’t help but think this may or may not have been involved in the 2006 Dick Cheney incident. (Photo: patent US3450403)

Patent Filed: 1969

Alcoholic Beverages Derived from Meat Extract

Animal Beer

Japanese inventors know society needs something more than sake and beer to take the edge off. So, they patented this brilliant idea for meat extract, meat stock, and/or bone extract fermented with lactic acid bacteria and yeast. You can read the full patent here, but it seems like common sense to combine meat and alcohol into one protein-filled beverage. (Photo: Flickr)

Patent Filed: 2004


Prune Beer

Prune Beer

Inventor Eberhard A. Klepper patented the idea for brewing prune-based beer, a product we really expected would have blown up by now. You can read about the recipe and process here; if you’re feeling bold enough to home-brew some prune beer, Klepper suggests 175 barrels. (Photo: patent US2038939)

Patent filed: 1936

Edible Business Cards

Edible Business Cards

Pink-scented resume paper not getting the job done? Edible business cards should do the trick. Not only is the card itself made from completely edible materials, but the ink is edible too. The business-savvy Willy Wonkas that filed this patent have a temporarily out-of-service website. When they’re back on the market, we’d bet our life savings edible business cards will go mainstream. (Photo: USD493601)

Patent Filed: 2004


Kimchi Vending Machinevend

Not much is known about the kimchi vending machine patent, but that could all change once this supreme vending machine goes mainstream. Imagine having spicy pickled Korean cabbage right at your fingertips. Looking for a quick mid-workday snack? Kimchi is just down the hall. Office water cooler gossip will become kimchi vending machine gossip, and we can’t wait. (Photo: Business Insider)

Patent filed: 2004