Having money can buy you loads of things. For example, it can buy you an exclusive chef’s tables at every Michelin-starred restaurant in the world.

But a new study shows that having wads of cash does not automatically mean you appreciate food or the work that goes into making it. Nor does it mean you dress well or are a decent human being.

Researchers at the “Institute for Studies” found that in the world’s top 50 restaurants, over 85% of the clientele were “overconfident, inexplicably wealthy red men wearing open-necked shirts tucked into stone washed jeans,” reports thedailymash.com.

Yes, it’s now a proven fact that the world’s most esteemed restaurants are “almost entirely populated by dicks.”

The possibly fictitious (but undoubtedly brilliant) Professor Harold Brubaker tells British satire website thedailymash.com,

“Mostly they are company directors with Timberland deck shoes, loud pompous laughs and an unhealthy interest in what the waitress does at weekends. They tend to have gouty complexions and uncannily thick hair like a slicked-back animal pelt.”

One such loathsome British gourmand, Martin Bishop—who likes yachts and refers to women as “crumpet”—told thedailymash.com,

“I eat exclusively in Michelin starred restaurants purely because they are expensive, although for me it’s more about getting into an alcoholic stupor than the food. I’d just as soon have a load of chips.

Once they brought out a little thing that looked like a bonsai tree decorated with delicate sushi and a scented foam that evoked memories of the sea. I smashed it with my big red fist, then demanded seconds.

Sounds like an awesome dining companion to us!

[via The Daily Mash]

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