Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston is a campus legend, having won the Heisman Trophy and led his team to a National Championship this year. He’s also on the baseball team. But apparently, he still can’t convince anyone to spot him for dinner.
Last night, Winston was issued a citation for shoplifting $32 worth of crab legs and crawfish from Publix grocery store. News spread like wildfire, and justice has already been served: Winston can now look forward to a suspension from the baseball team, a $20 fine, and at least 20 hours of community service.
In a statement about the incident, Winston said, “I went to the supermarket with the intent to purchase dinner but made a terrible mistake for which I’m taking full responsibility.”
Let’s be honest: We’ve all made terrible mistakes in the pursuit of dinner. But what we really wanted to know is this: What’s the deal with Publix, and are its crab legs really worth stealing?
We asked an FSU graduate close to FWF (we swear he’s real, but prefers to remain anonymous for reasons that will become clear at the end of this sentence) about the store where the deed was done: “That Publix is basically on campus and is a notorious place to stop by when shit-faced and just walk around eating the food. I’ve seriously stolen about $200 worth of fried chicken from that Publix,” he said.
And what about the crab legs? Apparently, when you buy them raw at Publix, they’ll steam them for you, plain or with Old Bay seasoning. And according our inside source, that service is responsible for the very specific reason why they’re so popular: “Publix accepts EBT [electronic welfare benefits] but, like with any other food stamp, you can’t use them to purchase hot food (fried chicken, deli sandwich, etc.)…with one exception: crab legs. The loophole is that you can purchase them and then have them steamed. Thus, crab legs are insanely popular in Tally [Tallahassee] come the first of the month.”
Needless to say, Twitter is having a field day with Winston’s slip-up, referencing Eugene H. Krabs from Spongebob and breaking out endless Deadliest Catch puns. Here are some of the best Photoshop jobs so far:
— ShOoObz (@shooobz) April 30, 2014
— Ali Khan (@PrinceAliNY) April 30, 2014
Hahaha Jameis Winston arrested for shoplifting crab legs, sheesh pic.twitter.com/WxofnaCflq
— CP (@codemanjunior) April 30, 2014
— Logan Booker (@LoganBooker_BI) April 30, 2014
— SEC Sports Talk (@SEC_SportsTalk) April 30, 2014