It’s that time of year again: The polar vortex is gone, the leaves are back, and you’re about to go gluten-free like all your Soul Cycle-loving friends for the next week. Passover’s here! And, of course, nothing says “Jewish holiday” like a marathon meal.
This year, let hip-hop’s favorite Jew be your guiding force—here’s your Drizzy-inpsired guide to surviving the seder, from awkward small talk with the extended family to getting through carb-free dessert.
Thanksgiving is notoriously the most stressful of all holidays. But at least on Turkey Day, you’re drinking by 11am, knee-deep in stuffing by 1pm, and in a tryptophan coma by 4pm. That sounds like a walk in the park compared to Passover, where extended family meets carb withdrawal meets a multi-hour story time THAT NEVER SEEMS TO END. You’ll show up anyway, though, because hell hath no fury like a Jewish mom’s guilt trip.
Your first obstacle is the meet ‘n’ greet, which comes before the seder, which comes before the part where you actually get to eat. Over the years, you’ve likely become a pro at avoiding invasive questions about your significant other’s religious status (spoiler: the only correct answer is Jewish) and your preteen cousin’s attempt to show you this year’s dumb Passover-themed viral video. (This time, it’s a Frozen parody. Expect no link from us.)
Luckily, some genius named Manischewitz invented the world’s sweetest, most chuggable brand of Adult Grape Juice. Time to break some out, and don’t let the bottle out of your sight.
Ostensibly, this is the reason you’re here. Personally, I haven’t been into the seder part of the, uh, seder since I stopped being old enough to ask the Four Questions, except for “Dayenu,” which is my jam. Nothing revives the spirit of Baby Drake like a good Passover singalong.
There’s also the Passover food that isn’t matzah. Not that matzah isn’t okay, but you’ll be eating so much of it over the next eight days, not even brie could make you eat crackers again. Beware: this isn’t nearly enough food to count as a full meal, so slow down on the wine and make sure you’re still standing by the time God sics the locusts on Pharaoh.
And load up on the bitter herbs, which are secretly the best part of Passover, charoset be damned.
Finally, the part you’ve been waiting for, possibly for hours. Reward yourself for resisting the siren song of slow-cooking brisket smell by going H.A.M. on the main event. Though not literally, because, you know…kosher and stuff. Leave the actual ham to the goyim while you do this:
It’s time for the kinder to hunt down a large piece of imitation cracker! (Non-Jewish readers: Don’t worry, it doesn’t make sense to us either.) You may be too old to join in on the fun, but until they figure out that you stashed it under a rug about five feet away, sit back and enjoy the hyperactive show.
Thanks to all the aforementioned wine, you’ll probably be around…here:
The moment of truth. Anyone who knows how to slice a vegetable can make a carb-less appetizer. A no-flour entree is doable as long as the fam’s willing to forgo pasta (and even then, the corn-quinoa stuff is weirdly good; take it from a person with two gluten-allergic relatives). But dessert? Here are the options, ranked.
- Flourless chocolate cake. If your grandma/dad/cousin isn’t willing to invest the time in making one, they obviously don’t love you.
- Chocolate-covered matzoh. A 4 on its own, a solid 6.5 when accessorized well.
- Fruit. Passable, but make no mistake: people bring fruit to a seder do so because it’s the lazy option, not the healthy one.
- Canned macaroons, to which the only proper response is:
You survived! Now watch Prince of Egypt with your siblings as you collectively pass out.