No matter how much you try to tell yourself that you hate New Year’s and that resolutions are for the weakest losers among us, it’s impossible to escape the tsunami of self-reflection at that time of year brings. For a couple weeks in January, you must confront head-on the sinking notion that a cheesesteak-truck lunch habit might come back to haunt you in years to come, and that “more than 14 alcoholic drinks per week” might be “too much.”

And so you play the game. You vow to do yoga (you will do it once), to fill your beer drawer with Poland Spring bottles (for a week), and to try out a diet you once read about in an issue of SELF that someone left on the bus. Know this: You will fail, and it will be a complete waste of time. But there’s a silver lining—at least the diet you gravitate towards will tell you a lot about yourself, and isn’t self-knowledge really the greatest goal of them all anyway?

Whether you’re on day three of paleo living or about to kick off a juice cleanse, here’s what the terrible diet you are pretending to do says about your personality.