What the Diet You're Pretending to Do Says About You

#ShotsFired at your weak-ass 2014 dieting goals.

Chris Schonberger

No matter how much you try to tell yourself that you hate New Year’s and that resolutions are for the weakest losers among us, it’s impossible to escape the tsunami of self-reflection at that time of year brings. For a couple weeks in January, you must confront head-on the sinking notion that a cheesesteak-truck lunch habit might come back to haunt you in years to come, and that “more than 14 alcoholic drinks per week” might be “too much.”

And so you play the game. You vow to do yoga (you will do it once), to fill your beer drawer with Poland Spring bottles (for a week), and to try out a diet you once read about in an issue of SELF that someone left on the bus. Know this: You will fail, and it will be a complete waste of time. But there’s a silver lining—at least the diet you gravitate towards will tell you a lot about yourself, and isn’t self-knowledge really the greatest goal of them all anyway?

Whether you’re on day three of paleo living or about to kick off a juice cleanse, here’s what the terrible diet you are pretending to do says about your personality.

Paleo

What it is: Mimicking the diet of "caveman ancestors" and popularized by Dr. Loren Cordain, the Paleo Diet cuts out dairy products, processed grains, and refined sugars. The idea is to eat like those humans who lived before the agricultural revolution. In short: Lots of fresh meats, fish, and organically grown fruits and vegetables. What it says about you: Modeled after vague notions of hunter-gatherer foodways, the Paleo diet entices folks who quote Jack London and have a Darwinian approach to professional life. In layman's terms: Douchebags, salesman, and women who take selflies of their abs in public bathrooms. Dr. Loren Cordain and his "scientific colleagues" are undoubtedly more successful that Mark Sisson, founder of Primal Nutrition, in promoting meals devoid of elements "not part of our ancestral menu," but all versions of this diet hold similar sway over similar bros. Whether this diet actually makes you act like a knuckle-dragging caveman is a bit of a chicken-and-egg situation, but all signs point towards the fact that you woke up this way (i.e., a total dick).
Juicing

What it is: A detox diet in which nutrients are gained though fruit or vegetable juices while all other foods are avoided. Generally, juice "cleanses" last for between 3-8 days. What it says about you: Juicing is attractive to people who read Goop and think five days of liquified kale can reverse the effects of a decade of doing blow at the Gansevoort. The process can help those involved lose "LIKE 5LBS!" real quick—then gain it back just as fast. The problem may be that those who juice also deny something called "natural body weight" and have Googled "cash-only colonic." Those who juice relish in the struggle—forgoing no solid food for a working week, so crazy!—and take solace in how a dress that already fits will fit so much better. See also: Delusion and fear of regular exercise.
Weight Watchers

What it is: One of the most popular dieting fads in dieting history, the Weight Watchers program encourages participants to make healthy choices by assigning a "points" value to all foods, based on fat, carbohydrates, and other factors. The main idea is to go for foods that fill you up the longest and avoid "empty calories." Of course, Weight Watchers has its own branded snacks and meals so you don't have to do the math yourself and can instead pay to have someone else to do it for you, just like you did with your high-school algebra homework. What it says about you: The best way for you to lose weight would be to turn off the Oxygen Network, get up off the couch, and go for a jog. But you are that rare breed of OCD and lazy, so instead you crank up Jennifer Hudson and continue to tell yourself that since Snackwell Creme Sandwiches have half the calories, you can eat twice as many of them—just like you did 10 years ago, the last time this diet didn't work.
“Vegan Before 6"

What it is: Popularized by New York Times columnist Mark Bittman in his book VB6: Eat Vegan Before 6:00 to Lose Weight and Restore Your Health … for Good, this approach to eating is notable for its pragmatism. The idea is to eat a healthful, plant-based diet during the day when you actually have some willpower, then do what you want during your socializing hours. What it says about you: You are a food writer, whose every day existence is like the rest of the world's January 1. Each night, you hit the town like there's no tomorrow, ravaging tasting menus and bone-marrow apps and Negronis, then attempt to cobble together some semblance of "balance" by juicing and eating kale chips the next day. It's better than nothing, but a career change might be a more sustainable get-healthy plan than a diet.
Mediterranean

What it is: A diet in which you attempt to eat like some sort of fictional shepherd from Greece or the Middle East, existing primarily on fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts, and legumes. You can also have some fish with olive oil instead of butter, plus a cheeky glass of wine and a hunk of feta from time to time. What it says about you: Mediterranean people look great because they have better skin than you and live a more laidback lifestyle. The diet is solid in its fundamentals, but let's be real: Within a couple weeks, your meals will stop resembling Odysseus' adventure rations and begin to creep toward the northern Italian part of the Mediterranean—i.e., fistfuls of prosciutto instead of walnuts, and cozy-boy ragùs instead of Greek salad.
South Beach

What it is: A phased regime that cuts out "bad" carbs and fats in favor of unsaturated and omega-3 fatty acid and carbohydrates from things like beans and whole grains. Participants are encouraged to apply South Beach lessons to daily life and essentially just maintain restraint without guidance. What it says about you: In the age of endless access to nutritional information on the Internet, you have chosen a diet that is detailed in a paperback found next to the erotic fiction at CVS. And in choosing this diet named after one of the worst places in the world, you have let us all in on your ultimate life fantasy: to one day frolic under the sun in a G-string swimsuit with a bunch of other mooks who look like fruit leathers. You should probably call it quits while you still resemble a human being and opt instead for the real South Beach diet—daiquiris and Cuban sandwiches.
Atkins

What it is: This brand-name low-carb diet is based on a research paper delivered by Robert Atkins in 1958. The main idea is to limit carbohydrate intake so that instead of metabolizing glucose as energy, your body begins to eat away at your reserves of body fat. At one point in the early 2000s, it was so popular that one in eleven North American adults was on the diet. What it says about you: You are a middle-aged man who wears magnetic-therapy bracelets, drinks Michelob Ultra (in moderation), and feels most at home at a driving range. You will likely keep up with the Atkins plan for a week or so, until someone tells you that it is not actually an all-steak-everything diet, as was commonly misreported by the media a decade ago. And then you will lie and say, "Oh yeah, I know—I'm doing the paleo diet!"—just like you lied to your wife when you said you were going to Bed Bath & Beyond but beelined for the links instead.
“Eating a healthy breakfast every day"

What it is: An old-school, three-square-meals a day approach to life, with an emphasis on getting a nice jump on the day by eating inoffensive things like Greek yogurt, oatmeal, and grapefruit. What it says about you: This is a totally reasonable, level-headed approach to eating healthier in the new year, and it marks you as the type of person who actually listened to your grandpa when he poured you your first nip of Scotch and said, "Everything in moderation, m'lad." But the problem is that grandpa didn't have to face a world with FourLoko, vaporized martinis, and that song that goes, "Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots!" As soon as your first hangover hits (i.e., as soon as you ditch your "no drinking" resolution this weekend), you'll be eating an egg-and-cheese sandwich over the trash can like usual. Then, you will stop eating breakfast altogether, because you also resolved to get more sleep. This cycle is a reminder that the most reasonable people in the world are the worst at resolutions.
Raw Food

What it is: A low-calorie plan predicated on avoidance of cooked, processed, microwaved, genetically engineered, or otherwise modified foods. The premise of a Raw food diet is weight loss and health through clean eating. Hatched in the late 1800s, the idea has evolved over time but continues to revolve around fresh fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds served in their natural state. Proponents also champion raw almond butter and raw coconut oil instead of traditional fats. What it says about you: Congratulations, you probably don't have nut allergies! Passing this hurdle, you're ready to conquer the world of #cleaneating, #fitspiration, #motivation, and ocean-side bikini poses. Sharing images of depressing "snacks"—sliced bananas and fruit platters—on social media proves #commitment and #dedication. All the hashtags employed are part of the raw diet, since you believe that a diet that doesn't get Instagram likes is no diet at all.
Colon hydrotherapy

What it is: A process in which water is used to flush feces and other toxins out of your colon and intestinal tract. What it says about you: You are the laziest asshole—literally the laziest asshole, since you can't even work up the effort to poop without assistance.

What the Diet You're Pretending to Do Says About You

Paleo

Juicing

Weight Watchers

“Vegan Before 6"

Mediterranean

South Beach

Atkins

“Eating a healthy breakfast every day"

Raw Food

Colon hydrotherapy

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