Let it go on record: I have beef with the Bantam bagel hole. And I am sure that all the elderly Jews in Brooklyn would be rolling in their graves knowing that bagel holes are about to take over the foodie universe, Cronut-style. It seems that the New York bagel has finally jumped the shark, now that bite sized bagels have descended upon the world, courtesy of West Village bagel shop Bantam Bagels.

Listen, we’ve had to endure Cronut mania all summer, and now you’re telling us there’s another shop just a few blocks from Dominique Ansel Bakery where people will inevitably line up like zombies to get their fix? We’re not saying we don’t want a cream-filled bantam bagel hole, we’re just saying we have some grievances with the foodieverse’s latest craze. And here they are:

  • Bagel holes aren’t actually a byproduct of the bagel making process. We get donut holes. Donut holes are made from the dough taken from the center of ring donuts.The deep fried sugary snack is a way to use leftover food scraps. Bagels, on the other hand, are rolled out then shaped into the form of a ring. Bantam—you’re not fooling anybody with your wannabe donut holes made of bagel.
  • We’re over lines. Yes, the “French Toast” bagel hole variety—consisting of a cinnamon nutmeg egg bagel with a maple syrup cream cheese injection—sounds tasty. BUT IT’S JUST NOT WORTH THE 2 HOUR+ WAIT. It’s not, we tell you. In that amount of time, you could get a lox and whitefish bagel from Barney Greengrass, take it to the park, and have a lovely picnic. Sounds better than waiting in line like a Crotard, don’t it?
  • 4 Bantams (which will set you back $5.40) equal about 1 whole bagel. Who has $5.40 to spend on one bagel!? Not I. I’ll get a whole, superior bagel at The Bagel Store in East Williamsburg for $1.50, thank you.
  • The decline of the iconic New York bagel is now complete. The old-school NY bagel, with its perfect chew and golden brown exterior, is long gone. It has been on the verge of extinction for a while now, but the bagel hole has made a permanent mockery of this once glorious NYC food, and therefore, the New York bagel has officially jumped the shark.
  • Bantam Bagels is so self-aware. You mean to tell us you launched “bagel holes” without trying to steal the Cronut’s thunder? Bantam, you must now live with the fact that you shamelessly cashed in on the modern day foodie’s obsession with trying the latest food fad. Congratulations, bagel holes are the next big thing in the food world, and you are probably minutes away from trademarking your product and making loads of money.

But, as reluctant we are to say it, “The Slice” bagel hole variety—which is filled with marinara and mozzarella and topped with pepperoni—does sound pretty f**king great. We give up.