Sky Mall and late-night infomercials can be seductive mistresses, tempting otherwise sane and self-respecting people to buy some of the dumbest shit on the planet. The kitchen gadgets that they peddle are among the most egregious, especially in light of our nation’s deteriorating home-ec skills.

Most catch your interest with all the subtlety of a bad standup comedian, pointing out mundane experiences that everyone shares—wow, I DO hate it when I pick up ribs and my fingers get saucy! But if you weren’t high (on your couch) or high (in the sky, incredibly bored), you’d probably never dream of buying these things, since they are about as dignified as one of those aprons that looks like the torso of a naked woman.

Click through the gallery above to see the most ridiculous kitchen gadgets you should never, ever buy. You’ve been warned.