No one is better at tabloid journalism than the British, and the Daily Star is among the least respectable and most hilarious gossip rags in the U.K. And so it was with great skepticism, but undeniable mirth, that we read yesterday’s piece by Mike Parker about Lady Gaga‘s “never-ending flatulence.” According to the story, the pop star has been on a special diet since undergoing surgery, and it has resulted in some severe gas that is leaving a trail of upturned noses in its wake.

Needless to say, Parker has some super-official sources confirming all this, none of whom have names, but all of whom speak with the exact same diction in hilarious sound bites. Here are some of our favorite quotations:

From “one member of [Gaga’s] crew at the Gay Pride rally”:
“The smell was foul, like a dumpster full of rotting food… A fresh one would come cracking out but she’d just laugh when people held their noses.”

From “a source close – but not too close – to the Born This Way singer”:
“[S]he spent a week eating hard-boiled eggs and another eating only spinach. Whose stomach and intestines wouldn’t be in turmoil?”

From Gaga’s “pal”:
“The eggs-only week was especially bad and a vapour trail of sulphur followed in her wake. She thinks it’s a hoot, especially when she drops a string of them, it seems to go on forever. It’s the silent ones that creep up on you that are the worst.”

From “an observer” at a gig last week:
“The mike picked up several farts, despite the fact the crowd was noisy. But she carried on regardless. It was surreal.”

From a “road crew member”:
“Everyone is holding their breath and hoping she’ll return to a normal diet soon.”

[via Food Republic]