The main reason we read restaurant reviews is to figure out which spots are worth hitting up, but we can’t deny the pleasure of a takedown or a snarky line. Welcome to #KnivesOut, where we bring you the bitchiest lines in this week’s crop of reviews.

“Now for the bad news. This food is pretty much the last thing you should have for lunch before heading back to the office. Especially if you have that thing where you don’t poop at work. Eating a plate of spicy cumin lamb noodles before you spend the rest of your day with a bunch of people who’ve never met the real you is a really bad idea.” [via Immaculate Infatuation]
– Immaculate Infatuation thinks that Xi’an Famous Food is good but gives you diarrhea. Hmm…

“My fried-rice combination plate appeared bereft of proteins other than its charred scraps of pork, and, worse, the entire mound sported more oil than the sunbathers on Ipanema beach. The comic tragedy was complete when I was presented with a small bowl of oily hot sauce, presumably to pour atop the rice. I felt like a Texaco roughneck who had just been offered a mug of vegetable oil.” [via Washington Post]
—When the chef at Pho Bar and Grill goes away, Tim Carman writes, the menu’s real clunkers come out to play.

“My friend and I split the fried chicken and lake trout entrees, and after a bite of the completely tasteless fish, I apologized, reached across the table and snatched a chicken thigh off his plate. With my hands.” [via Time Out Chicago]
—Amy Cavanaugh’s review of Endgrain is more devastating for what she doesn’t eat than what she does.

“My young bride’s fried chicken ($19) is one large football-shaped boneless breast, cut in two. This industrial strength product with a Shake-and-Bake style breading/seasoning is borderline dry and possibly not even fried. Real fried chicken is made with love; this is simply insulting.” [via PigTrip]
—Gary at PigTrip is downright scandalized by Cambridge’s Sinclair Kitchen.

“The chef delivers the occasional dish to the table himself, a trope that just makes me think, ‘Needy’. And, ‘Who’s manning the stove?‘” [via The Guardian]
–Marina O’Loughlin comes away with legitimate questions after eating at Adam’s in Birmingham.