A revolutionary piece of journalism from Bonnie Collins over at VICE covers the making of weed wine out in California. Yes, weed wine exists, and vinters out in Cali have been making it on the sly since the ’70s. But the next generation of California wine-makers are producing weed juice which, according to weed-wine loving Collins, can usually be “found in an unlabeled bottle with a blank cork.” Sounds legit to us!

But don’t make the mistake of swigging from just any bottle of weed wine that lands in your lucky paws. Collins has tried a bunch of weed wine varieties, from weed tincture-laced Viognier—which she got from a winemaker friend named Miguel—to “a highly successful 2004 blend of Malvasia Bianca grapes” and Lemon Diesel weed, made by a vinter named Pierre. What epiphany bestowed itself onto Collins after she tested a variety of weed wines? Red wine laced with weed is shit, and will give you a high that’s reminiscent of that time you ate five space cakes (because you though the first four weren’t working) and vomited in your friend Stacey’s toilet.

Put down that bottle of 420 Merlot and go for the pot-laced Sauvignon Blanc instead.

Although it seems like Collins would be too stoned to care, she investigates why red wine lends itself more to being infused with weed. Apparently, red grapes can overpower the pot and produce higher levels of alcohol. White wine, on the other hand, “lends itself to more natural aromatics, a healthy arrangement of marijuana and grapes, lower alcohol levels, and more balanced weed wines.” So put down that bottle of 420 Merlot and go for the pot-laced Sauvignon Blanc instead.

Weed wine is illegal to produce, so stop looking, you’re not going to find any on the shelves of your local liquor store. Also, if it were legal, the price would be extremely high; Pierre’s nearly perfect weed Viognier (named “Two Birds One Stone”), which contains an eight of weed per bottle and 12% alcohol by volume, would have to be sold for $55 a bottle if Pierre wanted to make any sort of profit.

One can only hope weed wine inspires underground clubs just like raw milk has, and there will be a community of wine-drinking stoners who think above the law and share their mind-altering vino with one another. If you hear of one of these clubs, get at us with the info (just DM this Twitter account).

[via VICE]