The main reason we read restaurant reviews is to figure out which spots are worth hitting up, but we can’t deny the pleasure of a takedown or a snarky line. Welcome to #KnivesOut, where we bring you the bitchiest lines in this week’s crop of reviews.

The puce-colored dipping sauce accompanying them was salty and slutty and gross—or drunk-food delicious, depending upon your mood. You can say that about almost anything at Outback Steakhouse.” [via LA Weekly]
—Besha Rodell on the “shrimp on the barbie” she begrudgingly ordered at Outback Steakhouse.

“You never hear people talk about the Tamale House for tamales. Maybe this is why. The pork tamale ($1.50) was as dry as yesterday’s roast left out for lunch. The masa was Wonder Bread minus the wonder, crumbled and tasteless but slick nevertheless.” [via Fed Man Walking]
—Mike Sutter is unenthused about the tamales at Austin’s Tamale House East.

“Maybe the music is for the cooks and managers. If that’s the case, arrogance has won out over the comfort of the customer. I’m generally tolerant of loud restaurants, but Central Kitchen is one of the worst I’ve encountered. It’s to the point that when someone mentions it, the pounding bass is the first thing I remember. Food should never have to play second fiddle to canned music.” [via The San Francisco Chronicle]
—Michael Bauer on San Francisco restaurant Central Kitchen.

“As a matter of fact, if they’re going to spend money on anything, the first thing they should invest in is a dimmer switch for those fluorescent lights. Or maybe some plastic plates and cups, instead of styrofoam.” [via Immaculate Infatuation]
—Immaculate Infatuation on the decor at Chinatown’s Spicy Village.

“Simply put, a $225 (with wine pairings) vegan vision quest is a little too much for my more…sparing lifestyle. The courses were more like facilitators to the overall spectacle of being a beans-and-rice vegetarian in a foreign land of fine dining. [via The Chicago Reader]
—Kevin Warwick on the 20-course vegan tasting menu at Next.

“I almost hope you don’t speak French, because the vulgarity of the French hip-hop usually on the sound system is pretty overwhelming.” [via The Los Angeles Times]
—Jonathan Gold on the soundtrack at Trois Mec, the new L.A. restaurant from Ludovic Lefebvre.