The main reason we read restaurant reviews is to figure out which spots are worth hitting up, but we can’t deny the pleasure of a takedown or a snarky line. Welcome to #KnivesOut, where we bring you the bitchiest lines in this week’s crop of reviews.

“How do you judge such a thing? You eat it the same way you dance to that vapid song of the summer: horrified at yourself, looking over your shoulder to make sure no one’s watching.” [via The New York Times]
—Ligaya Mishan on the Colombian-style hot dogs at Los Perros Locos in Manhattan’s Lower East Side.

“Honestly, I don’t know how to write this review without acknowledging the fact that Old School Brooklyn might be the absolute worst name for a restaurant ever. It feels like the work of some budget marketing agency that uses the word “millenials” on a regular basis.” [via Immaculate Infatuation
—Chris Stang on the ridiculously named Carroll Gardens Italian restaurant, Old School Brooklyn.

“Wonderfully tender veal blanquette went to waste in a sauce that looked and tasted like salted milk. “
—Pete Wells on a dish he ate at Montmartre previous to the recent revamp of chef Tien Ho’s menu. [via The New York Times]

“A duo of lamb sausage and kombu-cured lamb loin was the most perplexing dish I’ve encountered in recent memory. Garnished by parsnip “four ways,” the assemblage is piled messily all to one side of the plate, as if to distract from the tough loin and the sausage, which maintains the texture of encased sawdust.” [via The Chicago Reader]
—Mike Sula on the offerings at Shin Thompson’s Kabocha.

“All through the meal, the chef returns to the same two or three tables several times — drinking punch with them out of a traditional Spanish pitcher, bringing them little treats from the kitchen, generally having what appears to be a great time — and ignores everyone else. If I’d come to bask in the glow of Chiarello’s celebrity, I would have been left out in the cold. And his food here isn’t much of a consolation prize.” [via SF Weekly]
—Anna Roth’s not so pleasant review of Michael Chiarello’s new Embarcadero restaurant, Coqueta.