The main reason we read restaurant reviews is to figure out which spots are worth hitting up, but we can’t deny the pleasure of a takedown or a snarky line. Welcome to #KnivesOut, where we bring you the bitchiest lines in this week’s crop of reviews.

“Strangest of all is something called Chinese chicken, which tastes as if Mr. Torrisi and Mr. Carbone were trying to recreate something from Chinatown Night at their college cafeterias.”
—Pete Wells on the one dud in his otherwise glowing three-star review of Carbone in NYC. [via The New York Times]

“The sausages have the consistency of mouldering bath sponge. Puddings? Well, as Shania Twain might say, those overplayed spheres of chocolate that collapse on the application of their sauce do not impress me much. “Eh? Eh? Eh?” our waiter says as he flourishes his jug, trying to goad us into some kind of rapture.”
—Marina O’Loughlin on the unimpressive offerings at Kaspar’s at the Savoy in London. [via The Guardian]

Which Einstein mixologist wrote a cocktail list that doesn’t say what’s in the drinks, but “describes their flavors like wine,” as the waitress bravely put it?””
—Steve Cuozzo on the perplexing beverage list at NYC’s Manon, which caused him various “WTF?” moments. [via NY Post]

I can’t remember the last time I’ve left a restaurant smelling like my clothes and hair were dunked in a grease trap. This was one first impression I wish hadn’t lasted so long.”
—Julia Kramer gives Chicago’s Kabocha two stars and does not want to come back. [via Time Out Chicago]

“What’s more disappointing is when Zarate’s formidable cooking talents are on display but then eclipsed, the dish tarted up like a prom queen with too much makeup.”
—Besha Rodell on the quinoa alverjitas risotto in her two star review of Paiche in L.A.. [via L.A. Weekly]