This weekend, world’s converged (and some shattered) when Mario Batali tweeted that he was having lunch with Guy Fieri at Roberta’s, which despite its long list of celebrity visitors (the Clintons!) and appearance on Girls still maintains its reputation as a bastion of Brooklyn cool. The Frosty-Tipped One must have stood out like a sore thumb in Bushwick (oh wait, he always does) and thrown many regulars into a full-on existential crisis.

But forget about them—what we really wanted to know was what Fieri ate at the hottest pizza joint in town. We reached out to him for comment, and he was kind enough to hit us off with a full breakdown of the meal*. Here it is in full:





When me and Mario get together, we always throw down, man. He wanted to take his kids out, the little Bros. Batali, who just put out their first cookbook—they’re killing it! Mario suggested Otto, like he always does (cheap bastard!), but I told him we needed to hit Brooklyn. The borders of Flavortown have shifted, Molto! Bushwick is money, baby! I love all the artsy-fartsy crap they’ve got going on in the County of Kings and I’m telling you man, there are some badass chefs throwing it down. No joke, I’m a ridiculously huge fan of kale, and one of my assistants told me this place from Roberta’s has a bananas kale salad and some out-of-bounds pizzas. (Those are my words—she just said it was good.)

Anyway, the place is is real, real funky—I could see rolling up there in the Camaro with the DDD crew and having some fun. My people are going to talk to their people—you might just see Guy Fieri bringing the thunder show to Brooklyn soon! We got a nice table out back and Mario ordered a bunch of slamming wine like he always does and we just started getting loose. By the time the cute waitress came around to take out order we were just having a hoot, so I started saying everything on the menu like my homegirl Giada—I was shouting “MOOTS-A-RELL” and “SO-PRAY-SOT”! Mario laughed, but that’s how he talks too so I think maybe he thought I was making fun of him. 

Anyway, we pretty much ordered everything and holy moly stromboli, dude—I literally felt like the Flavor Gods had come down from the heavens and made love to my mouth. My favorite pizzas were the Cheeses Christ, which I’m seriously kicking myself for not thinking of at Guy’s American Kitchen + Bar, and the Bee Sting , which was just a hot frisbee of fun. The soft-shell sandwich was a seasonal smackdown of crunchy goodness—I grubbed on that exoskelton so hard, I thought they were gonna have to bring out the garden hose and wash me down! 

By the time we had all that the vino was really flowing and the young Molto Mario Bros. seemed to be catching a contact high from all the hijinks, because they were slurring their words and telling me about all the girls they’ve frenched since the book came out. Rock on, dudes! 

For dessert we had cinnamon sugar doughnuts with chocolate and crème fraîche, and some Triple Chocolate Chip Cookies, which I like to call Triple Cs. Where Brooklyn at! I’m telling you, we had a blast. I can’t wait to go back—next time I’m bringing my boy Kleetus and the Garlic Mafia

* Needless to say, this is entirely fabricated.