Sure, it egregiously beats a dead horse, but we’ll be damned if Pete Wells doesn’t get some good digs in on the Spiked Hair One in his brutal New York Times review of Guy’s American Kitchen + Bar. Written entirely in rhetorical questions, the piece has earned an immediate honorary spot in our collection of the 20 Most Ferocious Restaurant Reviews of All Time. Here are the questions we’d most like to see Fieri answer to himself:

  1. “When you hung that sign by the entrance that says, WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN!, were you just messing with our heads?”
  2. “When we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?”
  3. “What exactly about a small salad with four or five miniature croutons makes Guy’s Famous Big Bite Caesar (a) big (b) famous or (c) Guy’s, in any meaningful sense?”
  4. “Were the ‘bourbon butter crunch chips’ missing from your Almond Joy cocktail, too?”
  5. “Why is one of the few things on your menu that can be eaten without fear or regret — a lunch-only sandwich of chopped soy-glazed pork with coleslaw and cucumbers — called a Roasted Pork Bahn Mi, when it resembles that item about as much as you resemble Emily Dickinson?”
  6. “Any idea why [the watermelon margarita] tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?”
  7. “How did nachos, one of the hardest dishes in the American canon to mess up, turn out so deeply unlovable?”
  8. “Is this how you roll in Flavor Town?”
  9. “Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?”
  10. “Is the entire restaurant a very expensive piece of conceptual art?”
But we’ve got one for you, too, Pete: Why on earth would you go to a Guy Fieri restaurant with someone who drinks chai? Was it you? Please tell us no!
[via NYT]