The pumpkin-spice scourge has been as virulent and indiscriminate as ever this year, infecting everything from Oreos to potato chips. But nothing could have prepared us for Natt-o-Lantern, the new fall seasonal variety of Natty Light. Pumpkin-spiced Greek yogurt is one thing. But pumpkin-spiced frat soda is the most terrifying thing you’ll see this Halloween, guaranteed.
For starters, it represents the convergence of the two worst trends of our time: The all-pumpkin-everything movement, and the seasonal creep of autumnal products before autumn has even arrived. Even craft pumpkin beers often come out before pumpkins are in season, and you can bet that this bottom-shelf version isn’t using fleshy gourds from a local farm. It’s likely just Natty Light in all its watery, urine-colored glory, kicked up with a potpourri of artificial flavors meant to evoke a pumpkin pie. Or maybe it’s just Natty Light, straight up, in a case that you can turn into a jack-o’-lantern–themed case?! That would be weak.
— Matthew Shaer (@matthewshaer) September 10, 2014
But what’s even worse is the attempt to market pumpkins to the bro contingent. We’ve already seen what happened when they got their hands on rosé. Natt-o-lantern could be even more disastrous because it appeals not only to the post-frat, weekend-warrior desk jockey, but also to actual college kids who love nothing more than cheap novelty alcohol.
Imagine, if you will, a senior in Wayfarers and lax shorts belching in your face outside of a tailgate, consuming your nostrils with the scent of pumpkin lager mixed with pumpkin lager-induced vomit. Imagine him shot-gunning a can of NOL and carving something homophobic/rapey into a jack-o’-lantern with a pen knife while cackling like a maniac. Imagine a game of beer pong that smells like Thanksgiving dessert if it were served in a public restroom.
Afraid yet? It comes it 30 packs, and even people in Florida can buy it. Stay woke.
[via SB Nation]