Dear Haters, Douchebags, and All Bloggers Who Don’t Work At Elite Daily,
I’m writing to this bullshit “James Beard Award-winning” foodie website to tell you all what fuckfaces you and this Foster Kamer guy—if that even is his real name—are when it comes to the matter of SantaCon, which he has written about every year. The only time he has ever been right about anything was when he called SantaCon “a nationwide Day of Bar Crawl, with the meaningful, creative, and stunningly brilliant caveat that all involved will dress as Santa.” That was smart. The rest of it is bullshit that can go straight back up his dumb media-guy asshole.
Do you really want to know what SantaCon is, or do you just want to judge us? Let me tell you: SantaCon is the shit. How do I know this? Because I’m the shit. But every year when this joyful day rolls around, First We Feast goes and publishes gallons of dirty piss-flavored haterade about SantaCon, just like all the rest of the hipster conformist websites. Well, we Santas have tasted their piss and you know what tastes better? DEEZ NUTS. IN YO MOUFS. HO. Haha. Also: the truth, which is that SantaCon is unfairly cockblocked by the powers that be for being too awesome.
That is a fact. How do I know? Because every year, like Santa coming down your chimney, my bros and I drop into New York on the Sleigh Of Utter Fucking A1 Steak Sauce Dopeness that is the LIRR (or the PATH) from wherever I’m living, whether it’s Hoboken or Rockland County (places that are full of the most awesome goddamn people ever), and then run a train on your city with the big reindeer cock of holiday cheer, making it fucking awesome.
How do we make it awesome? Well for starters, New York is the most boring fucking city on Earth. Oh, you go to Central Park? You go to the Met? You’ve got third row orchestra to Turandot? There’s a Bacon triptych exhibit on right now at Gagosian? Bro. BRO. Why would you ever go look at bacon when you can just fucking eat it with your face? EXACTLY, YOU VEGAN PUSSIES.
That’s life where I’m from. That shit is real. You ever hit a ShotSki of Fireball with three of your best bros and then played mailbox baseball? Exactly. And I’m the motherfucking Jorge Posada of mailbox baseball, if Jorge Posada were white. Basically, what I’m saying is that other than the New York Jets and Times Square, New York City has no culture and is the least fun city ever. Which is why SantaCon is the dopest shit to hit New York since The Lion King opened on Broadway, and if you don’t know that, you’re the dumbest motherfucker on Pride Rock, and we’re gonna do you like Scar did Mufasa: Rock this son of a whore.
Seriously—how can anyone hate something so incredible that enables you to get a handjob in a Duane Reade? Better question: What’s worse, not having a handjob, having a Duane Reade on every corner, or letting the terrorists win? EXACTLY. And bitches love SantaCon. And, obviously, by “bitches” I don’t mean any disrespect to women. But like I said, bitches love SantaCon. And if you shame them then you’re not a feminist. Or someone who loves honking on some tittays in broad daylight. SantaCon is ON THE FLEEK.
It is more awesome than any of you with your lame media jobs who never go out will ever know, because your idea of fun is tweeting about Drake from bars in the parts of Brooklyn only poor white people live in, which is pretty much anywhere but Williamsburg. Have fun at HotBird with your Parliament Lights talking about Drake, you blogtards (blogging + retards = blogtards, sorry I should have explained that earlier). Your anti-SantaCon bias has nothing to do with us or people puking on the street or traumatizing children…but it has everything to do with ethics in journalism.
At the end of the day, SantaCon is for the people. When else could everyone who’s awesome come together dressed as Santa and rock out with their Yuletide cocks out? It’s not like they can do it on St. Patrick’s Day, or any of those days like it. And it’s not like there’s ever been any safety drunkenness issue with St. Patrick’s Day, so why would anyone ever suspect that we would cause a nuisance? Also, St. Patrick’s Day is only for white people. And if SantaCon is anything, it’s for people of all colors. By the way, if you know any black people who want to take part in SantaCon, we had ours cancel on us this year so they can email me personally.
And SantaCon haters aren’t just retards. They’re also, like, totally problematic. Do you know what it means to be problematic? LOOK IT UP, you cocksucking retard!
“It means that if you hate SantaCon, you hate it because you don’t understand your privilege. You all have non-Santa privilege. And let me tell you something about your non-Santa privilege: #SantaLivesMatter.”
Haha just kidding. I’ll tell you what it means to be problematic: It means that if you hate SantaCon, you hate it because you don’t understand your privilege. You all have non-Santa privilege. And let me tell you something about your non-Santa privilege: #SantaLivesMatter. And not just some #SantaLives, but all of the Santas in the world. #AllSantasMatter. What the fuck do you know about intersectionality, bro? Because I know a ton. Intersectionality is where your hatred of fun people and your hatred of Santa meet in the middle. It’s even worst than being racist, you intersectionist butteaters.
I’ve learned a lot about privilege from the Internet. I’ve learned a lot about my own privilege, and not the good kind, like the privilege to stick a pinky in wifey’s butt, LOL. Having privilege means you have to be considerate of other people’s bullshit sometimes because they had it rough once. And guess what? SantaCon has it rough now. I remember when you could have the freedom to be out in New York City with your best friends on the 6 train, singing “Jingle Balls,” with Donnie about to fuck up the octogenarian whose lap he just puked in. Now everyone wants to get in the way of our right to free speech. Well, TRIGGER WARNING, New York City: SantaCon is about to come all up in your ass harder than ever!
Thanks to the fun-hating four-eyed shitdicks who talk about concerns of “public safety” or “littering” or “traumatizing children” or whatever, we had to hire an amazing civil rights lawyer to fight for our civil right to be awesome. He has previously fought for the rights of people like Donald Trump and a lady with ebola, so obviously we’re in the company of great people who just want to do themselves. LET SANTACON LIVE YO.
In conclusion, you all need to chill the fuck out. We’re not that bad. What’s wrong with a bunch of people going around and having the best time of their lives in your neighborhoods, where you live and play and have families? It snows on your sidewalk, and you shovel snow. If it snows some awesome Santa fluids on your sidewalk, just do the same. It’ll be fine. It’ll be over before you know it. Yeah, you know what? If you hate SantaCon so much, just close your eyes and pretend it’s not happening and it’ll all be over in a minute. When has that never worked out okay? Also, we donate to charity. We’re all for charity. If you hate SantaCon, you hate whatever charity it is we donate whatever money we donate to. I forgot what it’s called, I just know that it happens.
Merry Christmas, we’ll see you on Saturday, fuck you hipster shitdicks, it’s party time.
Best wishes, and happy holidays,
– An Upstanding Member of the SantaCon Community
*Note: Joey Brofoni may or may not be Foster Kamer. Either way, he is definitely from Hoboken, New Jersey.