This just in from the front lines of news at Cosmo: There are women out there in the world who actually enjoy eating food.

In a recent article titled¬†“17 Things You Need to Know Before Dating a Girl Who Loves Food,”¬†the magazine’s website has purportedly spotted one of these rare creatures in the wild (genus: female, species: hungry) and is here to help lure her (a #GWLF) into your camp.

While all 17 of the tips for prospective dudes are pretty much the worst, here are some of the most ridiculous.

1. “Her eyes are most definitely bigger than her stomach.”

Women mainly just eat small servings of salad or boneless, skinless chicken breast, so it’s probably dangerous for the #GWLF to eat much more than that.

2. “You will probably gain some weight due to all this awesome eating you’re doing together.”

Because this is all about you, really.

3. “Her idea of an interesting read is a Yelp review.”

If you give a #GWLF a novel or book of essays she will actually try to eat it.

4. “She always has food at home.”

While most women wait for men to feed them, the #GWLF (shock!) can feed herself.

5. “She doesn’t really discriminate and can say with conviction that the best Doritos are Cool Ranch Doritos.”

Women usually don’t have opinions on junk food, or opinions at all.

6. “Ina Garten is her hero. Her dream is to one day cook for someone like Ina cooks for Jeffrey. #RelationshipGoals”

Because, again, this is really all about you.

7. “She does not care about your garlic breath.”

A #GWLF can think of nothing else but food, so she’ll probably not notice anything about your hygiene. Skip that shower all together, buddy.

8. “Strong chance she’ll want to name her baby Kale.”

You’ll have to be on the lookout that the #GWLF doesn’t actually try to eat her own child.