Welcome to #TheDrunkestShitEver, a weekly series where we ask bartenders the most ridiculous thing they’ve seen happen inside a bar. Unsurprisingly, these barkeeps have witnessed some pretty drunk shit, and they’d like to share their finest tales of debauchery, epicness, and idiocy with you.
WHAT IS THE DRUNKEST SHIT YOU’VE EVER SEEN AT A BAR?
Welch says: This was recently, when the Defense of Marriage Act got repealed by the Supreme Court and it was Pride weekend. So everybody was partying everywhere. And we don’t pick up until like 8:30, 9:00. We have like an early afternoon rush. And so these people walked in. It was a party of four people and they pinged on, like, everybody’s radar. From the manager, to the door guy, to the first person they talked to, to me when I went over and said hi. And everybody kind of quietly went around saying, “Did these people…Are these people…They’re really weird. Are they on something? Or are they just drunk?” We couldn’t tell but they were just rough looking, like haggard.
I go over there and they’re just incredibly short, incredibly rude to just everybody. And so I just ignored them, and every time I went over there it was just increasingly shorter and shorter and sort of incoherent. There was one guy who was doing the talking for everybody, and he was just a mess. Wearing Mardi Gras beads, looked like he hadn’t slept in days, shirt unbuttoned down to his second or third rib. Finally I just decided I wasn’t going to go over there anymore. My manager was like, “I’ll take care of it.” Finally the guy’s nose starts running at the table. And it’s not just the sniffles. It’s obvious that they’ve been doing drugs for the better part of the day. And the guy’s nose starts running at the table and he leans over and wipes his nose and he kind of pulls the napkin away and his girlfriend leans over with her pinky finger covered in blow and he does another bump at the table. Like, 7:30 in the afternoon. And the sun is still up and they’re literally like the only people in the entire restaurant.
The guy tries to stand up, can’t, sits back down, and he starts giving me a lecture about how this is the problem with “new” New York. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? That doesn’t even make sense.
The entire staff is just sitting there, kind of just jaws on the ground. Like bravo, I guess? Just go to the bathroom like everybody else. We just couldn’t figure it out. The manager came over and was like, “Did you see them do drugs?” I was like, “Yes I did.” She walked over there and was like, “You guys have got to go. Here’s your tab. Get out right now.” And they’re like, “What’s the problem man, be cool.” As if that was the problem. They didn’t leave right away, and so I had to go over there and be like, “Look you have two choices, you can either go or I can call the cops.” And the guy tried to stand up, can’t, sits back down, and he starts giving me a lecture about how this is the problem with “new” New York. He’s like, “This is the problem. This is the problem with all you Yuppies.” I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? That doesn’t even make sense. Finally they left, but not before they made a whole scene about taking their time and finishing their drinks. And then, finally, the chef came out. And he’s this 300-pound wall of a human being and he was like, “You have to go now.” Finally they left, none of them tipped, and yeah, we don’t get people like that in there very often. But they had a “Greyhound bus station” vibe. Super low class and rough looking. And after they left, all of us were like, I’ve never, ever—and all of us together have years and years in the industry—have never, ever seen that. We’re like, “Oh, that’s cocaine.”