Kelz the Cookie Monster: What If R. Kelly Took Over Your Favorite Cookie Brand?

The Keebler elves have nothing on the Pied Piper of R&B.

  • Source images via
  • Why is this not a flavor of Teddy Grahams yet? (Source images via Getty Images)
  • Kelz the (turnt up) Keebler elf. (Source image via
  • Even Jay Z can't stop R. Kelly from getting his cookies. (Source images via Getty Images)
  • Newman-Os just got a lot more sexy. (Source images: Getty Images)
  • Move over, Pillsbury Doughboy—the Pied Piper of R&B is here to bring your product into the future. (Source image via

Photoshops by Danny Scanzoni

R. Kelly has already made a priceless contribution to the culinary tradition by giving us “Sex in the Kitchen,” one of the greatest songs ever about sex and kitchens and life (“Girl, I’m ready to toss your salad / While making love, girl, I’ll be feasting”). But he’s not content to stop there—on “Cookie,” the latest racy release leading up to his forthcoming Black Panties, the Pied Piper gives us another mindblowing food-as-sex metaphor to snack on, ensuring that we never look at an Oreo the same way ever again.

Some sample lyrics:

  • “Mmmm, like an Oreo—I love to lick the middle like an Oreo (turn up).”
  • “Cookie, cookie, cookie—I’m a cookie monster!”
  • “My bed could be your stage, and I’ma make you a star / Your legs in the air, my hands all up in your cookie jar.”

Clearly, R. Kelly understands a thing or two about cookies. If we were in the baked-goods industry, we’d definitely let him be our spokesperson. But since we’re not, we just imagined what the grocery aisles might look like if Kelz really did take the reigns on classic cookie brands like Keebler and Pillsbury.

Click through the gallery above to see what the 2013 R. Kelly Cookie Takeover might look like.


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