20 Shocking Things I Learned Typing Regular Foodstuffs into Urban Dictionary

You'll never look at a grilled cheese the same way again.

  • Photo:
  • Right, just like "Mom used to make"—minus the American cheese and white bread.
  • An alternative version of the tailgating favorite.
  • Proof that nothing is sacred.
  • Note to self: Avoid Karl’s picnics at all costs.
  • Who says courtship is dead? (If you dare, look up “
  • Any time you think about mistaking goat cheese for chèvre, remember this tragically specific definition.
  • Clarification brought to you by J-Kwon.
  • This is somehow so much better than the cinnamon challenge.
  • In other words, everyone from Jersey Shore.
  • Who knew Chester’s namesake snack could be responsible for “genitle” discomfort?
  • Formerly your favorite breakfast food in first grade, pop tarts are now the reason why you don’t miss middle school.
  • We have a criminal psychologist prodigy in the making.
  • Someone is seriously pissed off at Convergys.
  • This “sexual maneuver” is exactly what you always thought was going on in McDonald’s bathrooms. If that’s a McRib, what’s a Double Quarter Pounder?
  • If this isn't the first sign of a healthy marriage, I don't know what is.
  • This is sign #2 of a healthy marriage.
  • Remember when you learned about contractions in school? This is the one your teacher missed.
  • One of the most beloved Americanized Thai dishes, gone horribly awry. You have to wonder if Tarantino is aware of this/working on it.
  • Not as offensive as the others, but distressing nonetheless.
  • No wonder some people hate cupcakes.

You remember the favorite foods of your childhood—comforting, innocent, and likely high on processed snacks. Mine included grilled cheese, Fruit Roll-Ups, Cheetos, and Stuffed Crust pizza.

You probably also remember the first time you discovered Urban Dictionary, the online mecca for everything unwholesome and disturbing. For me, it was sometime in high school, and the subversive genius of the site seemed never-ending—after all, here was a place where language, not sexually explicit photos or gross-out videos, had the power to shock and delight.

The site’s filters let almost let anything through, and any user could rate a definition up or down based on its usefulness (a.k.a. comedic value). And while it was founded in 1999 to be a dictionary of made-up words and obscure regional street talk, what proved most perverse was what it told us about everyday language, and the way almost any word could be twisted into something related to bizarre sexual fetishes or flatulence (or both at the same time). Anything could be slang, it just took a bit of sick creativity to make it happen.

With this in mind, I had the cruel idea to type in some of my favorite kid foods (and a few others) into Urban Dictionary to see if they have fallen victim to the perversions of slanguage. What I got was an appetite-ruining, unapologetically explicit list of foods that may forever change the way I look at a crème brûlée. Brace yourself: This is the end of innocence.

Click through the gallery above to see the NSFW definitions of foodstuffs that have been corrupted by Urban Dictionary.


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