If Yogurt Becomes the Official State Snack of New York, I’m Moving

Join me in my quest to avoid the biggest mistake in snacking history since hummus became the official dip of the NFL.

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Yesterday, the New York State Assembly voted by a margin of 85-1 to make yogurt the official state snack. According to CBS New York, the state senate debated the issue for 45 minutes last month. Governor Andrew Cuomo is now the only person who stands between yogurt and history.

To properly contextualize the absurdity of this “bill,” here are some actual outtakes from the initial senate debate:

Sen. Gustavo Rivera (D-The Bronx): “What exactly are we defining as a snack?”

Sen. Michael Ranzenhofer (R): “I think it’s self-explanatory. I mean, you have breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and then you have snacks.”

Rivera: “Did you consider, say, the potato chip?”

Ranzenhofer: “No.”

Rivera: “Did the sponsor consider raisins at the official state snack?”

Ranzenhofer: “No.”

Rivera: “Did the sponsor consider pretzels at the official state snack?”

Ranzenhofer: “Never.”

Rivera: “What if the pretzel was dipped in yogurt? Could we consider that, because that would be two in one?”

Ranzenhofer: “Yogurt would be the state snack. Pretzels would not.”

Needless to say, David Letterman and Jon Stewart had a field day with this tomfoolery. But now that the bill has passed the State Assembly, it’s no longer a laughing matter. This could be the biggest mistake in snack history since hummus became the official dip of the NFL.

Do you know what Texas has as its official state snack? Chips and salsa. Illinois has popcorn. South Carolina has boiled peanuts. These are real snacks. Yogurt is bullshit. And let’s be honest, it’s not really a snack. The healthy kind is breakfast, and the sugary kind is dessert. Who grabs a yogurt as a snack?* Not anyone you’d want to hang out with.

I’m starting a petition right now. Not a real one, because that probably involves downloading a PDF from some sort of state-sponsored website, and the World Cup is about to start. Instead, I will just put my argument out there on the Internet and let Twitter take care of things, just like it did with the Arab Spring.

Here are my problems with the yogurt bill, in no particular order:

This decision has Big Yogurt lobbying influence written all over it.

Back in 2012, Cuomo announced plans to make New York the yogurt capital of the U.S., courting the dairy industry with promises of turning the state into a Silicon Valley of curds and whey. At the time, New York boasted 29 yogurt plants (up from just 14 in 2000), including heavyweights like Fage and Chobani. You think all that #YogurtMoney doesn’t have something to do with this honorific? Stay fucking woke, dog.

Yogurt is too much of a trend to be a state’s “official snack.”

Greek yogurt sprinkled with chia seeds may be the official breakfast of every yoga mat-toting, Juice Press-loving, Equinox-membership-having yuppy in Manhattan, but it is not the snack of the people. Certainly not the people of New York. How about hot dogs? New York state has rich hot-dog history that’s worthy of celebration. These yogurt-making folks are new jacks.

yogurtsnack pinkberry If Yogurt Becomes the Official State Snack of New York, Im Moving

Let’s be real: A vote for yogurt is a vote for fro-yo. 

The frozen form of yogurt has done more harm to New York culture than any other food.

I’ll let the Tumblr “…and now it’s a fucking froyo place” cover this one. Frozen yogurt is an embarrassment, and by empowering yogurt, the state of New York would be implicitly supporting Pinkberry. If yogurt were Obama, 16 Handles would be its Bill Ayers. They’re too close for comfort.

The whole idea for this bill literally came from a bunch of fourth graders (a.k.a., their manipulative teacher).

Everyone’s making a big deal about the fact that some kids at Byron-Bergen Central School District were the ones that proposed the bill in the first place. Senator Ranzenhofer called it, “an example of democracy in action.” Hmmm…no. There’s no way those fourth graders came up with yogurt as the best snack without some serious mind-control from Teacher. If these brown-nosers weren’t out there trying to get an “A” for effort because mom said if they don’t get into an Ivy League school they’re out of the family, they would have chosen Gushers or maybe Dunakroos—definitely not yogurt.

Ironically, fourth graders don’t really know shit about snacks anyway. They are forced to eat snacks at predetermined times during the day in a highly regulated environment, and sometimes even led to believe that orange slices are real snacks. The official state snack is an issue best settled by grown folks for whom snacks are the only difference between finishing the work day and having a complete mental breakdown.

We’re talking about the state snack? 

It ain’t about that. It’s not about that, at all. We’re supposed to be an important state, and we’re out here talking about snacks? I mean, how silly is that?

And if all those bullet-proof arguments aren’t enough to convince you, consider this: New York’s yogurt plants have serious waste-management issues that are ruining nature.

Spread the gospel. This will not stand.

[via CBS New York]

* Does not pertain to GoGurt, which is still dope.

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