This rather upsetting image, featuring what would appear to be a pair of Whole Foods x Christian Louboutin sneakers with a kale-themed colorway, cropped up yesterday over at the Crosby Press. Apparently it was snapped by a spy inside a Tribeca photo studio, which means the kicks could be part of an elabore Portlandia sketch, or a spoof music video, or an ad campaign, or…maybe they are real?
This wouldn’t be the first suspect food-fashion collabo, but it would be the most egregious, mashing up high-end fashion with the all-kale-everything lifestyle embodied by the type of people who shop at Whole Foods with a BluePrintCleanse juice in one hand and a yoga mat tucked under their arm. Whatever happens in that part of the Venn Diagram where sneaker hypebeast and ramps hypebeast overlap is not something we’re prepared to see. It might involve bearded thirtysomethings camping outside Whole Foods Bowery, bartering with morels to move up the line and passing around flasks of kombucha as they wait for the midnight release. Frightening thoughts.
If the shoes do actually drop, here are some things they’d be good for:
- Leaping over strollers to get the last bag of fiddlehead ferns at the Park Slope Farmers Market.
- Matching with your “Eat More Kale” t-shirt and yelling about how much you hate Chik-Fil-A.
- Standing in line at brunch and flexing on nobodies in their beat-up Pro Keds.
- Wearing as camouflage while standing in a field of kale on your farm retreat.
- Stepping in front of oncoming traffic.