The Complete Guide to Hating Brunch

Our illustrious restaurant etiquette columnist, Jordana Rothman, breaks down 8 compelling reasons why brunch is for the birds.

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Photos, left to right: Cinnabon, Liz Barclay

7. The sweet versus savory crisis

So you’ve been dragged along to brunch and now you’re giving this insipid menu in front of you the side-eye. You’ve got to choose something. At dinner you could have a whole savory spread and something sweet to finish it off. But at brunch it really only comes down to one choice: sugar or salt? The decision is a crippling one. Go with the eggs and you’ll find yourself craving sweets in a few hours. Go the waffle route and you’ll feel you haven’t had a meal so much as a massive, blood-sugar spiking midday dessert binge. The whole canon of griddled foodstuffs is insidious that way. Better to order a plate of bacon and some black coffee and think on it a spell.

  • smarter

    Eff the slow clap. You can haz all the claps. The good ones. You know… Okay, shutting up.

  • http://twitter.com/BrendaFike Brenda Fike

    I used to enjoy brunch until I overheard a girl in a nail salon squeaking about plans for “brunchy!” on her rhinestone-encrusted iPhone. Now I’m irreparably biased against the entire cultural concept of brunch.

    Bravo, Jordana, for entrenching my prejudice.

  • GregF

    All of these points are valid, if you’ve woken up from a hard night full of whipped cream canisters and a brass cracker and decided to walk down a restaurant-laden street until you’re swooned by the allure of an “all you can drink” deal written on a sidewalk chalkboard. For the rest of us who enjoy a good brunch, we research restaurants’ menus, cocktail lists, etc and we book a fucking reservation.

    What is the result of such an abstract process of steps? A good meal, not unlike dinner, where the meals are inventive, the ingredients are fresh, and the cocktails are balanced.

    I understand writing opinion pieces for opinion’s sake, but agreeing with this list requires so much tunnel vision that I’d actually be more inclined to visit a doctor than write a blog post on some no-name site being funded by Complex Magazine banners.

    But, hey, maybe it’s articles like these that get people out of their apartments on miserable Sunday morning only to be subjected to these illusive sub-par meals: content like this is just that much worse.

    • Gart

      Agreed Greg. I just went with a childish rant of my disdain for the writer, but this is much better. Thank you.

  • MattR

    As a chef who’s had to work too many brunches, I agree that brunch is crap. It will be the worst food the restaurant puts out all week, cooked by the greenest chefs, and with the lowest food cost possible. Go to brunch to be ripped off. And all the cooks hate your guts as a bonus.

    • Ben

      Oh, all the cooks hate my guts? How about fuck you, it’s your job to cook my food. I don’t get all pissy with the clients at my job when they want something I’m not a fan of. Chefs are such whiny little bitches. I could give a fuck how many covers you can do or how many burns you have on your arms.

      • Lawrence

        How dare you talk to a chef like this you cunt

  • Gart

    I don’t care what you elitist hipster dicknobs say. Brunch is the tits. Oh it was the coolest thing to do 6 years ago and now it has to come around to the uncool so you nerds can hate on it and keep your hipster cred. F U Jordanna. Where the dick do you go to brunch anyway? There are plenty of places that have great brunch and plenty of places that ONLY serve Brunch as their entire business. Stay home and make pancakes with your cat then Jordanna. Who eats waffles at brunch anyway? I don’t give a shiz if the cooks hate my guts, make my food you second rate sous chef. When you become a real chef you don’t have to make my brunch anymore asshat. Eat it!

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  • Catzoid

    Oh, waaaaah! Apparently she never had brunch
    at a quality restaurant like I did yesterday. Then again, no one is
    forcing her to browse at the other establishments, either. Waaaah!
    again, I say!

  • http://www.facebook.com/monique.williams.1610092 Monique Williams

    I had brunch at Egg yesterday with friends visiting from Florida. It was a delightful time, even with the long wait and crowded restaurant. Because dining out, especially for brunch, should always be about the company.

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  • seattlegirl

    Never going to read anything by this chick. It’s a chick, right? Jordana, not Jordan?

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  • Princesshaylen

    what a fucking asshole this writer is. some hipster loser who ran out of things to complain about. let people do what they want. I happen to love hangover brunch with my cappucinos and my nail art and my rhinestone phone case. I’m also a social worker during the week and nothing is better than cheap unlimited booze. go to hell, you fucking loser. no one needs your judgement or your “highbrow” observations. i <3 brunch.

    • Myjohnsonis12incheslong

      Do you wear Juicy sweatpants when you go?

      • princesshaylen

        see below :) YUP.

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  • MeatWidget

    Baaahahahahaha – the comment section is full of assholes! Did this hit a bit too close to home? Too bad bad you clowns can’t go on Yelp and give the writer a one star review before you head to the tanning salon.

    • princesshaylen

      whats wrong with tanning?

  • http://twitter.com/nthmost Naomi Most

    Yep, brunch is a racket, for most of the same reasons dinner on Valentine’s Day is expensive, dolled up, and yet not very good.

    Hey everybody, let’s all do the same things at the same time. I’m sure there are no downsides to that…

  • Peter Kaminsky

    could not agree more. well said!

  • princesshaylen

    i do wear my juicy sweatpants, and i fucking love them. and i tan, and i love that too. i’m glad this is something that people think about and have a problem with…because having an issue with brunch, sweatpants and tanning….isn’t at all a waste of time.

  • http://www.facebook.com/elizabeast.southwood Elizabeast Laura Southwood

    Two words between ten am and two pm: (the holiest of holies)
    Dim Sum. All hail king shrimp, queen duck and the court of rice noodles, taro
    and pastry. I may have sold my soul a long time ago for a small dish of mustard
    on the side…

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  • Stephanie

    That’s why I like diners. Enormous menus, bottomless coffee, gentle prices, and pretty much no waits. Yeah, they’re not hip, there’s no booze, the bacon and eggs are probably not organic, and that’s not maple syrup on your table, but it’s a heckuva a better experience. Diners rule!

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  • D.A.

    I can’t speak for every part of the country, but as a GA Boy (I live in Atlanta), I feel the southeast is the only place where brunch is truly an acceptable occasion. We have a culture that cherishes the 24 hour breakfast spot, and an affinity for breakfast dishes like none other. With that being said, brunch is a given down here and we’re really not ashamed of it. I’m quite aware than in other parts of the U.S. brunch is viewed as a bane to restaurant society, or in most cases frowned upon.

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