Last week, we brought you the Struggle Face of Competitive Eating, featuring the hot dog-devouring prowess of Joey Chestnut. And four days ago, on America’s birthday, Chestnut lived up to his reputation by downing 69 dogs to win his seventh straight “mustard yellow belt” at the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest—a new world record. ESPN 2 aired the event live from Coney Island, but here’s the whole contest in case you missed it, or want to relive the grossness/epicness.
While you’re watching, don’t overlook the undersung genius of Paul Page, American motorsports broadcaster and seven year play-by-play commentator for the annual hot dog eating contest. The only thing more ridiculous than Chestnut swallowing 69 dogs in this video is Page’s ridiculous pop culture-referencing, nonsensical, high-energy commentary.
Below, we’ve compiled Page’s best quotes from the contest coverage, because what other ESPN-covered event generates quotes like these?
- “…the weapons of mass digestion…”
- “…came out of the asparagus circuit to major league eating.”
- “70 hot dogs: that’s what I want to eat before I retire.”
- “He’ll hit the 400 career hot dogs here.”
- “In that swallow history was made.”
- “His stomach is stretched like a pair of Lululemons on a Kardashian.”
- “It’s beautiful to see, it’s like seeing Gwyneth Paltrow at a Coldplay concert—always by her man.”
- “He controls his limbic system, it does not control him.”
- “He is the tamales, ice cream, gyoza, gyro, bratwurst, salt potato, and horseshoe sandwich eating champion of the world. I don’t even know what a horseshoe sandwich is but he’s eaten like six pounds of them.”
- “Matt ‘the megatoad’ Stonie representing the younger generation: Tumblr accounts, flatbrim hats, insurmountable student load debt, all the optimism of a Morrisey song, and he’s doing well today.”
- “He possesses a Ron Swanson like dedication to all things meat and America and that is what we’re celebrating here today with this great, great athlete.”
- “You know, Dennis Rodman wants to win the Nobel Peace Prize, I would give it to this man, Joey Chestnut, he’s about to string together seven straight mustard yellow belts.”
- “Pittsburg Stealers, Boston Bruins, Michael Jordan; they all have six titles. Chestnut’s going to cross over to the other side.”
- “Of course the headlines will be across the globe, new world record, 69, and a never before seen seven straight belts.”