Completely True Horoscopes for People Whose Lives Revolve Around Food

Our resident food astrologist (certification pending) will help you follow the stars to your next great meal.

horoscopes

Not so long, astrology ruled how we lived our lives. In the '70s, thousands of pages of newspaper print were devoted to telling people if the stars said they were romantically suited to one another. In the ‘80s, the president of the USA wouldn’t make any important decisions if his charts didn’t line up just right. In the ‘90s, Sylvester Stallone’s mother had her own astrology hotline. Even today, a shocking number of celebrities are secretly letting astrologers make all their business decisions, handing over all control to an illuminati of middle-aged ladies with giant rings and bouffant hairdos.

Spoilsports will argue that astrology is a pseudo-science that puts credence in a completely arbitrary set of circumstances surrounding your birth—but where's the fun in that? You know you've secretly memorized all of the characteristics of your sign, nodded along with most of them, and felt a thrill of connection with celebrities who share your birthday. So why not put the power of the stars (or at least of suggestion) to work for your dining life?

We’ve studied the star charts, mapped the moon’s orbit, and, through a series of very complicated, very legitimate calculations, come up with an accurate gastronomic reading for your sign. Don’t even think about eating again until you’ve seen what the stars have to say about it.

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