Daddy Food: Adventures in Eating with Three Small Children

A sorta-food column by a father who uses Taco Bell to distract his kids from attempts to see his wife's boobs.

Original "Daddy Food" artwork by The Twins. They're not all bad.

Original "Daddy Food" artwork by The Twins. They're not all bad.

Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano) is a writer living in Houston, TX. His work has appeared in the Houston Press, LA Weekly, Village Voice, XXL, The Source, Grantland, and more. His new column, “Daddy Food,” will explore the (often hilarious) realities of eating when you have small humans to feed as well as yourself. This week, we meet the family—henceforth known as Wife, The Twins, The Baby—as well as some secrets about Hot Pockets and curing tummy aches.

Prior to this moment—as in, this particular keystroke that my squishy brain is telling my boney fingers to tap down—I’d never considered food in any capacity other than one that includes me jamming it into my mouth in (what I assume others process as) an overly unattractive manner. As it is, there ARE other purposes food serves, several of which I’ve already been privy to, only I’d just never noticed. To wit:

Example 1: I remember watching a video (like on a real, actual videotape) in high school of an amoral man doing some especially egregious things to a woman with several fruits and vegetables. (I want to say that the name of the movie was something clever like “Chef’s Salad,” but that’s probably more just my brain being massaged by the romanticism of nostalgia. In all likelihood, the title was probably something closer to “Putting Cucumbers In A Woman’s P*ssy.”) Food can be used as erotica.

Example 2: Last year, one of the 7th graders at the school where I teach knocked a piece of pizza out of a separate 7th grader’s hand during lunch, which eventually led to a fight between the two. Food can also be a catalyst for destruction.

Example 3: I read a story on a website several months ago about how some guys in a fraternity had one of their pledges eat a big bowl of clam chowder, then showed him a video of a bunch of the guys already in the fraternity ejaculating* into it, so I guess food also allows men to masturbate around each other, which is one purpose that I definitely wasn’t expecting.

*The story said that it was a second bowl that they were using for the video, and that the one that they gave the pledges was clean. I had no idea that fraternities and clam chowder were so curiously intertwined.

Example 4: This site.

Here on FWF, as I’m sure you know, food is the starting point for an untold number of conversations in an untold number of tones held in an untold number formats crafted with an untold number of purposes. This is simply another of those (though likely a step or two further away from center than typical).

There will be articles here written by me that glance at food-related topics, but mostly they’ll be about wider ideas. “Attempting To Raise My Sons To Be Good Eaters” seems like something that might come up, as does “Oh Fuck I Ate Too Many Hot Pockets, Here’s A Recounting Of The Civil Unrest Taking Place In My Large Intestine.”

(In case you’re curious how many Hot Pockets is “too many” Hot Pockets: One. The answer is one.)

So, thank you. Thank you in advance for reading, and thank you for food and thank you even for Chef’s Salad.

Next page: The adventures of “Daddy Food” begins…

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