17 Insane Vending Machines That Could Actually Convince Us to Show Up for Work

While the world makes great strides in vending excellent, most workplaces are still stuck with Dasani and Chex Mix. Here's how to rectify the situation.

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When I was in high school, the universal joke about class president elections was that the best way to win was to promise pizza in the vending machines. These days, kids probably promise iPad Minis for the whole student body, not only because they are super bratty and entitled, but also because they live in a world in which pizza vending machines literally exist. There’s no need to dream anymore about a giant box that will dispense french fries and burritos. The vending machine game is so tight worldwide, monkeys don’t even beg for food anymore—they just jack your wallet and head for the nearest beer machine:

vendingmachine monkey 17 Insane Vending Machines That Could Actually Convince Us to Show Up for Work The problem is, many of us cannot actually enjoy the fruits of the new-school vending machine. Most of the incredible ones are in Japan, for one thing. And others seem to be deployed in super-select locales, like fancy L.A. malls and 7-Elevens in Singapore. While the world pushes forward, most of our offices are still stuck with struggle machines that spit out watery hot cocoa and $1.25 bags of Pirate’s Booty.

With that being said, here is our ultimate wish list for vending machines that we would like to have in our office. If you’re reading this, HR, please let us know when they will be arriving.


The Artisanal Ice Cream Vending Machine

Country of origin: United States
What it vends:
Individual tubs of gourmet ice cream from Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams, for $5 a piece
Good for:
Eating your feelings when your boss clowns you at an all-staff meeting

The Beer and Sake Vending Machine

vending beer 17 Insane Vending Machines That Could Actually Convince Us to Show Up for Work

Country of origin: Japan
What it vends: 
Various lagers of various sizes—Kirin, Asahi, Heineken—and cans of sake
Good for: 
Taking the edge off at the end of trying day, or washing down the greasy lunch you bought from the food truck outside the office (Photo: jetsetta.com)


The Burrito Vending Machine

Country of origin: United States
What it vends: 
Evol brand burritos, in varieties like chicken, beans, and rice and uncured bacon with eggs
Good for: 
The BurritoBox is pretty clearly the world’s most incredible vending machine, so let’s not ask questions—just get it. (Photo: hiconsumption.com)

The Cupcake Vending Machine

vending cupcake1 17 Insane Vending Machines That Could Actually Convince Us to Show Up for Work

Country of origin: United States
What it vends:
Sprinkles cupcakes
Good for: 
Making it easy to celebrate people’s boring birthdays without going to too much trouble (Photo: HuffPo)


The Tombstone Pizza Vending Machine

vending tombstone 17 Insane Vending Machines That Could Actually Convince Us to Show Up for Work

Country of origin: United States
What it vends: 
Tombstone deep-dish pizzas
Good for: 
Living the dream of all dreams—pizza from the vending machine, we made it! (Photo: jerseykids.net)

The Live Crab Machine

vendingmachine crab 17 Insane Vending Machines That Could Actually Convince Us to Show Up for Work

Country of origin: China
What it vends:
Live hairy crabs
Good for:
Scaring the shit out of everyone


The Wine Vending Machine

vending wine 17 Insane Vending Machines That Could Actually Convince Us to Show Up for Work

Country of origin: United States
What it vends: 
Bottles of wine (but only after you swipe your driver’s and blow into a breathalyzer)
Good for: 
Classing up afternoon meetings and providing pairings for the disgusting cheese plates that are served at catered staff events—we’d disable that pesky breathalyzer though (Photo: ubergizmo.com)

The “Everything Inexplicably Costs 25¢” Vending Machine

vending 25cents 17 Insane Vending Machines That Could Actually Convince Us to Show Up for Work

Country of origin: United States
What it vends: 
The same snacks as most vending machines, for a quarter of the price
Good for: 
Everyday snacking needs—if you’re not going to make the office a snacker’s paradise like Google, at least make it affordable (Photo: Reddit)


The Bread-in-a-Can Vending Machine

vending breadjapan 17 Insane Vending Machines That Could Actually Convince Us to Show Up for Work

Country of origin: Japan
What it vends: 
Canned bread, which is popular in Japan and often comes emblazoned with characters from popular visual novels
Good for: 
Carbo-loading when the day calls for physical labor, like cleaning your desk for the first time in six months (Photo: Kotaku)

The Baguette Vending Machine

vending baguette 17 Insane Vending Machines That Could Actually Convince Us to Show Up for Work

Country of origin: France
What it vends: 
Fresh baguettes 
Good for: 
Anytime you just need a baguette, which is probably daily (Photo: Michel Euler/AP)


The British Import Cadbury’s Vending Machine

vending cadbury 17 Insane Vending Machines That Could Actually Convince Us to Show Up for Work

Country of origin: United Kingdom
What it vends: 
Cadbury chocolates
Good for: 
Anyone in his right mind knows that British milk chocolate is better than American milk chocolate, so this is just a no-brainer replacement for the humdrum selection of Snickers and M&Ms (Photo: lucitesolutions.com)

The Caviar Vending Machine

vending caviar 17 Insane Vending Machines That Could Actually Convince Us to Show Up for Work

Country of origin: United States
What it vends:
 Imperial River Beluga, Escargot, and even Italian truffles—at $30 per ounce, the Classic Osetra Caviar is one of the most popular and affordable options available
Good for:
Stunting on co-workers by showing how luxe your life really is (Photo: Emily Dwass/La Weekly)


The Fresh Chips with Various Dipping Sauces Vending Machine

vending chips 17 Insane Vending Machines That Could Actually Convince Us to Show Up for Work

Country of origin: United States
What it vends: 
Waffle fry/chip things that are fried to order inside the machine and dispensed with a choice of dipping sauces
Good for: 
Replacing the weak-ass chip selection in standard-issue vending machines (Photo: freshchips.net)

The Fries Vending Machine

vending fries 17 Insane Vending Machines That Could Actually Convince Us to Show Up for Work

Country of origin: Australia
What it vends: 
French fries, fried from frozen and seasoned with salt
Good for: 
Eating fries all the time, duh (Photo: konopcompanies.com)


The Greens Vending Machine

vending greens 17 Insane Vending Machines That Could Actually Convince Us to Show Up for Work

Country of origin: Japan
What it vends: 
Leafy greens—the greenhouse/vending machine can harvest about 60 heads of lettuce in a day 
Good for: 
Machine-to-table salads at your desk (Photo: greendiary.com)

The Mashed Potatoes Vending Machine

vending mashed 17 Insane Vending Machines That Could Actually Convince Us to Show Up for Work

Country of origin: Singapore
What it vends: 
Mashed potatoes and gravy
Good for: 
Being revolting and showing the office that you are a wildcard who is not to be messed with

The Marijuana Vending Machine

vending weed 17 Insane Vending Machines That Could Actually Convince Us to Show Up for Work

Country of origin: United States
What it vends: 
Weed
Good for: 
Dealing with life, and getting ready to enjoy all the other dope new vending machines in the office (Photo: tokeofthetown.com)

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