The MLB postseason kicks off this week, but if you're a Texas Rangers fan, that might mean a clogged artery is in your future, rather than a pennant. On Sunday, the ball club unveiled four new food items available at the Globe Life Park in Arlington this month—excluding old standbys like chicken and doughnuts, bacon on a stick, and fried s'mores—and dear Lord, are they terrifying. From onion ring-topped Philly cheesesteaks to two-pound cheeseburgers, let's break down all the grease-drenched meats Texans can shove in their faces while watching the American League's top seed hunt for the Commissioner's Trophy.
The Texas Rangers' Ballpark Food Is a Testament to American Gluttony
The Atomic Burger is exactly what it sounds like. Topped with bacon and jalapeño peppers, behemoth of a burger is topped off with a slathering of ghost pepper cheese sauce. Priced at $27, and weighing over two pounds, it's safe to say that those who test the awesome power of the Atomic Burger won't be hungry again until spring training.
The N.E.Q.—or Never Ever Quit, named after the Rangers 2016 rallying cry—barely even looks like a sandwich. Instead, this dish looks a sloppy pile of meat, cheese, and fried finger foods thrown on top of a couple pieces of bread. The "sandwich" is a modified Philly cheesesteak, topped with provolone cheese, fried jalapeno slices, onion rings, waffle fries, fried mozzarella, and white queso. Basically, this thing is endless apps at T.G.I. Friday's piled onto a some chopped up steak. The N.E.Q. also comes with a Captain Morgan's "dipping sauce"—assuming you can actually pick the sucker up.
The hot dog is a undisputed classic at ballparks across the US. But what do stadiums in Texas do with their dirty water franks? They obviously stuff the dogs inside tamales, and smother them with chili and nacho cheese. The TamArlington Dog is some Tex-Mex fusion we could probably do with out, but hey, the Rangers get an A for creativity.
Lastly, we have the most absurd attraction in this circus of culinary abominations: the Popcornopolis Pita. The Rangers begin with a simple base of pita bread, but they proceed to layer it with caramel popcorn, smoked brisket, macaroni and cheese, and even more liquid cheese sauce. This Popcornopolis sounds like an instant-heart attack wrapped in a pita bread coffin.
For safety's sake, we'll be rooting for the Tampa Bay Rays this year. We're just trying to save as many lives as possible, folks.