For all the holiday cheer, eggnog-fueled ragers, and general merry-making in December, we tend to downplay an indisputable truth: There’s a lot of garbage desserts being hawked by family members, restaurants, and stores alike. Pure, unadulterated holiday trash.
It’s a red-and-white–striped curse that rolls around every year, threatening to destroy all good taste and decency. You may think a stocking full of coal is a bad omen, but have you ever been gifted dry Italian bread with raisins? Have you ever wiped the dust off the chocolate coins your Aunt handed out at the Hanukkah party? These holiday sweets absolutely ruin the best part about giving food to friends and family—that inevitably, some of it will end up back in your belly.
Here we countdown the worst holiday treats, ever thankful that they only show up once a year.
10. Werther’s Originals
The caramel candy is an O.G. sweet, and it’s always clutch to have a bag stored in your glove compartment. But it sucks to get them as a gift from your grandparents, especially when you can easily cop some from CVS literally any day of the year. (Photo: Amazon)
9. Caramel Popcorn Tub
If you were eating a meal and your young cousin who hasn’t showered in days put his entire forearm on the plate and rolled it around, would you continue eating? Cool…so why do you eat giant trash cans full of disgusting popcorn? (Photo: Flickr/Personal Creations)
8. Candy Canes
It’s like eating a breath mint for 12 hours, except that it stabs your jaw awkwardly. Not worth the fight. (Photo: Flickr/Liz West)
7. Ferrero Rocher Chocolates
Ferroro Rocher is like the bodega rose of chocolates—highly recognizable, easily forgettable, definitely the sign of a cheap bastard trying to get laid. (Photo: Flickr/Joseph Jayanth)
6. Yule Log
With all due respect to pastry chefs who unleash all of their creative and technical talents on a bûche de Noël, no one is trying to eat a cake that looks like deciduous forest floor. This gives new meaning to the phrase wild trash. (Photo: Flickr/Caitlin Childs)
5. Hanukkah Gelt
The real Hanukkah miracle? That your aunt has been re-using the same chocolate coins for the past eight years. (Photo: Flickr/Robert Couse-Baker)
4. Christmas Pudding
Christmas pudding is so bad that it literally has to contain the promise of physical currency for anyone to want a slice. (Photo: Flickr/James Petts)
3. Starbucks Cake Pops
As if Christmas wasn’t #Basic enough. Fall back, Starbucks. (Photo: Starbucks)
2. Gingerbread House
Take a cue from the Buddhists: the only reason to build a gingerbread house is to smash it to smithereens (to feed to your dog). (Photo: Flickr/Mike Poresky)
Unlike babka, which is like the Bo Jackson of carbs in its ability to be kind of bread and kind of cake in the best way possible, panettone is like JV bread and JV cake all at once. It is bad no matter how you slice it. (Photo: Flickr/Nicola)