Whole Foods is in some deep sh*t. First, the supermarket chain was caught routinely overstating the weight of its prepackaged products; then, someone called out the company for selling “Asparagus Water”—literally just a bottle of water with some stalks of asparagus in it—for $6.

When it seemed like Whole Foods’ public image couldn’t possibly get any worse, news surfaced that the supermarket was profiting off the sales of foods made by prison inmates. The company issuing a half-hearted apology, and ultimately promised to end the practice.


“I’m sure this isn’t the last time they’ll be caught doing something,” Stephen Colbert pointed out last night on The Late Show. Colbert, being the stand-up gentleman that he is, explained that he’d “like to help them right now to get ahead of any future scandals with some pre-apologies on their behalf.” Watch the video above to hear Colbert’s full list of pre-apologies, and peep some of our favorites below.

  • Whole Foods would like to apologize for labeling something organic chicken that was actually stray cats with beaks glued on them.
  • Whole Foods will no longer make our pizza chefs fight in a pit with those wooden paddles.
  • It is our solemn pledge that our cashiers will add up the cost of your products, instead of just typing up the highest number that they can think of.

Honestly, we wouldn’t be surprised if the pizza-chef fight club story turned out to be true.

[via The Late Show with Stephen Colbert]