Men who have beards (especially those who rock long, gnarly, pelt-like growths) know that eating with them is a struggle akin to getting up early on a rainy Monday morning to run. It’s a Sisyphus-like task: You will always fail.
Action Bronson is well aware of the struggle; however, the hirsute Queens rapper knows how to combat follicular failure with tried-and-true (it appears) methods for four particular foods: noodles, ice cream, soup, and cotton candy. Mr. Wonderful then showed Nylon all of his tricks for a recent video, which was shot at Manhattan’s Popbar.
Here’s how to eat everything from noodles to cotton candy with a beard, courtesy of the bearded Bronsolini:
This technique probably applies to men with long beards more than those with short beards, but it’s a game-changer, regardless. As Bronson demonstrates, you should touch your non-dominant-hand thumb to your neck—as if you’re making the Hulk Hogan call—swoop your hand down, and then pull your beard back toward you. Use your utensil hand to then twirl your fork (always a fork, never chopsticks, for OBVZ reasons) and stuff your face. Voila: beard saved.
Bronson laments that if your mustache length is also long, you’ll invariably get some food in it—bummer. However, Utilizing his “Dress” method could help prevent the damage from becoming excessive. Using a big napkin, wrap it tight in a cone-like shape around your beard. Next, lift a spoonful of ice cream towards your mouth and use your other hand to part your mustache down the middle. Mmmm, right?
In terms of physical technique, all you’ll need to do here is spread the ‘stache. However, make sure that your spoonful of soup does not overflow. An overflowing spoon presents an increased risk for spillage into your presumably well-groomed beard.
Go for it—just jam it in your word hole.
As for foods like hambugers, Bronson can’t help you. He mentions he’s recently given up eating beef because “he doesn’t believe in the slaughter of cow.” You’ll need the help of another hairy rapper for that one.