The Internet hates every day, whether it’s April Fool’s, Christmas, or just “Tuesday.” Still, there does seem to be a particularly virulent strain of misanthropy going around on this year’s day of mischief—a feeling that was nicely summed up by Esquire’s Luke O’Neil in his essay, “Why We Should Ban April Fool’s Day.”
He argues that we’re so inundated by hoaxes and pranks these days that they’ve lost their currency, and now April Fool’s is simply an excuse for stiff corporate entities to throw up comedy bricks. While we agree with this assessment, we would also take it a step further: We’re also inundated by so much actual dumb shit that people do with a straight face that the humor of fake products and news stories loses its edge. Take a look at Eater’s running list of the food-world pranks being pulled today and ask yourself whether it’s any more ridiculous that what you see on a daily basis.
Countless times in the past year, we had to pinch ourselves to make sure we hadn’t fallen asleep and woken up on April Fool’s Day. Here are 10 things we wish were jokes, but are very real.
Gray’s Papaya Being Replaced By a Juice Bar
It seemed like a joke from a dark satire about gentrification—an iconic New York hot dog stand forced out by rent hikes, then replaced by a place that sells cold-pressed kale juice for $8.50. Unfortunately, it was all too real.
Yogurt for Bros
It’s safe to say that “brogurt” represents the death of masculinity…and abs…and yogurt.
The New York Times Style Section
Every day is April Fool’s Day in the New York Times Style section, your source for the latest on faux trends like monocles and rooftop camping. Remember when, in the year 2013, they informed us that kale was trendy? That was real life.
Guy Fieri “Flavortown Roasts”
We don’t subscribe to the common food-nerd wisdom that Guy Fieri is the devil incarnate. In fact, we kind of liked our trip to Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar (side note: we were high). But the frosted-tipped homie’s brand extension has gotten a little insane recently, and we draw the line at these Flavortown K-Cups in completely unnecessary flavors like Hot Fudge Brownie and Caramel Apple Bread Pudding.
From discovering Brooklyn to conscious uncoupling to turning Jay and Bey onto veganism, Gwyn has trolled us so hard that we no longer know our ass from our elbow, or April Fool’s from “every day on Goop.”
White Castle Waffle Sandwiches
These were announced dangerously close to April Fool’s Day, so we may still get our wish. But prior concept testing suggests they’re real. Coming hot on the heals of the Taco Bell Waffle Taco, the swagger-jackery is too blatant to believe.
It’s real and, needless to say, Vice tried it. SMH…
Rick Ross’ Rosé
Rapper-endorsed booze can be cool, but not the way Officer Ricky does it. Please stop.
There’s a restaurant in Greenpoint where everything is local and organic, you are not allowed to talk. We’d talk shit about it, but Steve Cuozzo already did that for us. (Photo: Christian Johnston/NY Post)
The Hundreds’ Taco Bells Socks
The Hundreds is a cool brand and all, but the food-fashion collabs have gone way too far. Americans already rep fast food to the fullest with their fashionably rotund bellies; do we really need to have a taco chain on our socks, too?