Yesterday, writer and former Eater Senior Editor Joshua David Stein penned a review of newly-opened TriBeCa steakhouse American Cut. The steakhouse is set to be the flagship of restauranteur Marc Forgione‘s Atlantic City steakhouse of the same name.

The review—which appeared in the New York Observer—gushes over Forgione’s classic steakhouse menu, the decor, the hostesses, and the $10 “carrot glazed carrot.” Stein doesn’t hold back on the using the word “yonic,” nor does he hold back from hyperbolically expressing his admiration for this extravagant, mook-baiting steakhouse. “[It’s] a swaggering Mad Men fantasy,” he proclaims. Check out some of Stein’s most ridiculous and hilarious quotes below:

  • On TriBeCa: “Poodles poop opal piles on platinum sidewalks.
  • On the people that reside there: “They are laughing madly, like wolves over a carcass. They smell like power—cologne, smoke, whiskey.
  • “The zebrawood tables, the inlaid marble floors, the glass shelves with glass bottles, the big watches, swinging dicks, hard smiles, hard eyes, a $20 ‘plank smoked’ old-fashioned made with Woodford Reserve served in a maple wood-smoked glass on a hardwood bar.”
  • “The only thing soft is the flesh of the trio of hostesses. They’re skinny and pretty like a bouquet of flowers. Flowers that say, ‘Can I take your coat?’ Flowers that say, ‘Follow me.’ Flowers that say, ‘Leave your wife.‘”
  • “Even the slightest suggestion of nuance has been gutted.”
  • “The best a steakhouse can do, and this American Cut does, is to perfect the small canon of classics. By perfect, I suppose I mean both properly execute and make even more extravagantly bananas.”
  • “Oysters, the only yonic food in this phallic temple, are a steakhouse staple.
  • “The shrimp in the cocktail, chilled and stuffed into a neat little silver goblet, are so overwhelmed in Mr. Forgione’s signature 22-Batch cocktail sauce that they too are demoted from being crustaceans with tiny shrimp souls to being rote messengers for horseradish.”
  • “The Tupi tribe of Brazil, after all, used to eat their vanquished foes in the belief they would gain their strength. If this is true, a 9-inch $10 carrot-cock is nothing if not bargain-basement manhood.”
  • It’s a lot. Too much, in fact. But it’s perfect.

[via NY Observer, Eater]