Everyone’s a critic these days, but the crowd mentality of Yelp routinely gives rise to the craziest, most over-opinionated critics of all. (Nothing enables belief in the importance of one’s own opinion quite like the Internet.) Combine that with the batshit insanity that is #cronutmania and you’ve got a recipe for disaster/hilarity/general amusement. Enter the Dominique Ansel Bakery Yelp page, a once-routine corner of the ‘net that’s been transformed into a real-time chronicle of love, loss, and hybrid pastries.
Yelpers are alternately disappointed and awed by the cronut. But rather than stand idly by, they’ve chosen to channel said disappointment/awe into upwards of two hundred and fifty terse dismissals, thousand-word rants, sob stories, and impassioned defenses of the Baked/Fried Good of the Century. The contents of Dominique Ansel’s Yelp page could probably fuel an entire .txt Twitter account, but here’s a small sampling of the best non-expert bakery reviews the site has to offer.
- “Just wake up early, brush your teeth, put on some big sunglasses and walk down to that line and suck it up. I got there at 6:45 am on a Monday and there were already about 50 people ahead of me. No biggie. Waiting in line together is a bit of a bonding experience. You meet the people in line with you and it’s a lovely time.” — We should feel LUCKY to be baking in the sun for three hours, says Stephanie B.
- “The Cro in “Cronuts” means crazy…crazy to wake up at 5 am to wait 2 and half hours in line for just two pastries, but I am crazy…I am crazy for the Cronut.” — A very coherent paean to the cronut from Victor W.
- “The Cronut is overrated. There. I said it. I couldn’t even finish it.” — Short, sweet, devastating takedown courtesy of Veronique M.
- “Another woman angrily asked the workers “why don’t you guys freaking make more then if they sell out so fast?!” When her friend told her to just order something else, she replied with a very annoyed ‘I don’t want anything else! I WANT a fucking cronut!‘” — A+ eyewitness testimony by Michelle T.
- “The creme inside squeezed out with every bite and was super messy, so cleaning up the mess from my hands was a treat in itself.” — Literally finger-licking good, according to Elisha H.
- “I was so delighted with my cronut that I ended up saving half of it for friends I would later see that day because it would’ve been a sin to keep all that deliciousness for myself.” — Liana L., Baked Good Samaritan.
- “We went back to the drawing board and determined the reason we didn’t get the cronut is because we weren’t there early enough. My masters education determined that an arrival approximately an hour and 15 minutes early would yield a cronut. Well, my degree isn’t worth anymore than the paper it is written because we knew we were out of the race the second we arrived.” — What are Larry G.’s student loans for if they can’t get him a cronut?
- “When I finally got my cronuts and rubbed the fact into people’s faces as I walked out, I ran home to taste my prize! This month features a lemon filled delight that is both crunchy and light. A mindblowing texture! I can still smell the lemony filling on my fingers. I only wish they didn’t have a two cronuts limit, otherwise I might have shared one with a friend (are you kidding, they’re all mine!)” — Ed L., cronut enthusiast and five-year-old.