All work and no kombucha will make your coworker ornery. Gawker published a series of e-mails from an anonymous media nonprofit employee who bore witness to a digital meltdown after a colleague had her bottle of kombucha—a fermented tea—stolen three times. Unwilling to accept the theft without sharing her ire, she sent an office-wide e-mail, cursing the bandit with the vigor of someone who has deep reserves of energy (thanks, no doubt, to the ‘buch).

By the time she was robbed the third time, she unleashed a tirade the likes of which few have seen since Ross Gellar. An excerpt from the second e-mail addressing the third theft:

“Whoever you are, I certainly hope that you are overrun with probiotics to the extent that you get thrush-mouth from having binged on my Kombucha(s.)

Also, you ought to know that I have been dubbed the person most likely to kick someone’s ass, by a member of senior management who shall remain anonymous.

This is the last time, however. And my new favorite flavor is Maqui Berry Mint. I’ll not be so careless as to leave one of those for you to steal.”

Fortunately for her colleagues, the unknown thief decided to mend his/her ways, and August brought good tidings in the form of an anonymous gift of a Super Green Kombucha waiting at the victim’s desk. Two months later, the so-called “Kombucha Fairy” visited her again with what appeared to be a homemade DIY kombucha kit. In the final e-mail shared by Gawker, she’s brimming with love for her community, a.k.a. colleagues.

And so, the saga behind the case of the missing kombucha ends, teaching all of us to buy our own fermented tea drinks. If we can’t keep away from office food and drink, we can at least count on Gawker readers to not take our side, as is evident in the comments section.

[via Gawker]