Welcome to #TheDrunkestShitEver, a weekly series where we ask bartenders the most ridiculous thing they’ve seen happen inside a bar. Unsurprisingly, these barkeeps have witnessed some pretty drunk shit, and they’d like to share their finest tales of debauchery, epicness, and idiocy with you.
Name: Frank Cisneros
Bartending resume: Frank is the beverage director at Gin Palace in NYC, and has bartended at The Drink, Dram, and Prime Meats.
What is the drunkest shit you’ve ever seen at a bar?
Cisneros says: So we wanted our one-year anniversary party to be as irreverent as possible and sort of, like, anti ‘the cocktail bar establishment’. I mean, we did some cute cocktail-y things like served punches with fancy Oleo-Saccharum in it, but aside from that, we made a giant, 300-pound ice luge and we hired two strippers. So you can imagine, it was pretty much the polar opposite of Death & Company or Milk & Honey—very irreverent.
I’m not really a big fan of strippers, they kind of depress me usually. But I figured, for the cause, it was worth it. They came with some sort of minder who introduced them. What did he say? He said something to the effect of, ‘These are the ladies. You can touch them, slap their ass, whatever you want, just make sure you tip them.’ Wait, he also said, ‘but nothing can be inserted into their vaginas.’ This is what the minder said to a room full of people.
It was amazing, because at first pretty much everybody was just sort of shocked. It was kind of hard to wrap your brain around the fact that there were just two strippers meandering about, dancing in Gin Palace. Ravi, the owner of the bar, was handing out dollar bills to people to give to the strippers—like, throwing them. It was pretty intense. And then, all of a sudden, everybody really got into it.
It was funny because we picked out two strippers, but one of the strippers got sick, so they had to send us like a B-string replacement stripper. Which was this really skinny white girl and she wouldn’t even take her clothes off. And again, I’m not really a fan of strippers, but fuck it says “stripper” in your name—I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to take your clothes off.
The other girl was amazing, though. The minder came up to me when I was behind the bar and was like, ‘Hey, I need a cup, really quickly. Do you have any plastic cups?’ I didn’t know what he wanted it for. He handed it to one of the strippers that had a giant booty. She took the cup and she clasped it in between her butt cheeks and was shaking her booty soliciting tips with a cup in there. It was fantastic. I mean, you have to appreciate that sort of talent.
Then, at one point, I was manning the ice luge, but I was doing a rather—I don’t know—meek job of it? I just wasn’t really getting that into it and blowing the whistle or whatever people want you to do when you’re manning an ice luge. So one of our bartenders, Tonia, kicked me off the ice luge and just kind of proclaimed herself the Queen of the Ice Luge and proceeded to start dropping bottles left and right. Then she got really mad because people kept pouring beer in her hair. It actually didn’t really make her that mad, she just said that her hair felt like it had a sufficient amount of beer in it and it didn’t really need anymore. That’s something she doesn’t remember saying, of course.
What else happened that night? I think that was pretty much it. Definitely the most ridiculous night ever at Gin Palace, and that’s a bar that’s known for it’s ridiculous antics. I think that was mostly it, anyway.
What are you thinking for next year?
I have no idea. More strippers, bigger ice luge. The ice luge cracked in half at one point, which is kind of depressing but also kind of awesome.
What were you pouring in the luge?
We were pouring pink gin down it. And then, at one point, Fernet. And then just beer. Whatever we could fit in it, basically. Tonia’s saliva—I don’t even know.
Someone got a disease at one point during that party.
Oh for sure, a hundred percent.