Pumpkin Pie Flavored Water is a Thing

A thing which represents the nadir of the flavored water trend.

Photo: Cascade Ice

Photo: Cascade Ice

Forget actual pumpkin pie and real food in general. Cascade Ice’s new zero-calorie, sugar-free, sodium-free, gluten-free, and caffeine-free pumpkin pie-flavored sparkling water is what you need to bring to your aunt’s house for Thanksgiving this year. Think about how revolutionary this product is: You can get the real taste of pumpkin pie in liquid form—which just has to be as good as the real thing.

Cascade’s pumpkin pie water undoubtedly contains fresh pumpkin, so you can feel seasonal and fall-appropriate while sporting a bottle. What’s more, mid-August is a fabulous time to start pushing Thanksgiving-related products, since fall begins in late September. This stunt reminds us of “seasonal creep” in the beer industry, a phenomena where fall seasonals—pumpkin beers and Oktoberfests—have begun showing up on liquor store shelves as early as the last week of July, fostering haterade all over beer forums and beer blogs.

Pumpkin pie is the latest addition to Cascade Ice’s line-up of “more than 20 delicious and unique flavors” including Orange Mango, Pomegranate Berry, Coconut, and Strawberry Lemonade. We just wonder when Cascade’s pumpkin pie water will make it onto Ray & Stark’s 45-page bottled water menu. Until then, we’ll just dream up other tantalizing water flavors that we’d like to see on the market, like “what is the world coming to-flavored water”, “replace real meals with liquid-flavored water”, and “what the fuck is Cascade thinking-flavored water”. Ugh.

A kind reminder from Cascade Ice’s PR group on just how caloric pumpkin pie really is:

“A traditional slice of pumpkin pie is over 300 calories—yikes! Now there’s a healthier way to savor your favorite holiday treat.”

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