Winter Storm Hercules is officially upon us, and yesterday you received that glorious email confirming that your office is closed. Yeah, your boss wants you to “work from home” instead of chugging hot toddies and reenacting the Beyoncé “Flawless” video in your underwear. But you know what snow days are really about—they are a rare opportunity to day drink on a weekday while you’re supposed to be doing work.
There is an art to enjoying your snow day to the fullest without arousing suspicion from your superiors. Drunkenly faking a work day is all about showing no fear, trusting your stealthy ability to get drunk and stay professional, and blaming “spotty Wi-Fi” whenever something goes wrong. Let’s get it cracking…
8-9AM: PRE-PLAN BENIGN SOCIAL MEDIA STRATEGY TO THROW OFF YOUR BOSS (WHILE DRINKING IRISH COFFEE)
If you know your boss follows you on social media, today is not the day to out yourself by tweeting “Turn up!” along with a picture of a bottle of vodka. Instead, pre-plan tweets and Facebook status updates to throw her off the scent throughout the day. If you can’t think of any because you’re already feeling the two shots of whiskey you poured in your coffee, just use something like this: “Is it just me or does snow make you MORE productive? #winterwonderland #cozy.” Here are some awesome hot cocktail recipes—including the best Irish coffee you’ve ever tasted—to get the morning buzz going.
10AM-NOON: COUCH DRANKIN’
There are going to be a lot of logistical emails flying around at this time about who’s where and what the forecast is looking like, but nothing of actual importance. You’re pretty safe to lay low during this period, though you need to prepare yourself for any irksome work-related calls. Cue up winter storm sounds on YouTube so that you can blast them when you pick up, then yell loudly about how you are “relocating to a place with better Wi-Fi,” even though you are actually on your couch drinking mai tai #5 and watching awesome Netflix documentaries.
NOON-2PM: KEEP “DRUNKENNESS DISGUISE” AT THE READY WHILE CONTINUING TO DRINK ON COUCH
Continue to monitor emails casually, responding only when necessary and generally citing technical difficulties for any lack of promptness. Keep a winter hat close at hand so that if you are summoned to a video chat, you can stick your face out the window, cover your face in snow, and mask your drunkeness with a breathless, rosy-cheeked “I just had to run out for coffee, it’s crazy out there!” act. On your lower half you can still be wearing underwear/nothing—just remember not to stand up during the call.
2-3PM: EAT YOUR FAVORITE SNOW DAY FOOD SO YOU DON’T BLACK OUT
3-6PM: HEAD TO A BAR WHERE YOU’RE A REGULAR
Make sure to go to a bar where you’re a regular, so that you can convince the bartender to pretend to the be the “Time Warner guy fixing your Internet” if you get any end-of-day work calls. No one will ever know you’re lying, because Time Warner so makes house calls during Nor’easters.
6PM: YOUR “WORK” DAY’S DONE AND DUSTED
In a brief email that you proofread five times to account for compromised state of mind, suggest to your boss that you felt so productive today working from home, this should become a once a week thing. She’ll think it’s an awesome idea, we promise. Now, go ahead and order another round because it’s Friday and you just survived an entire snow day doing nothing productive whatsoever. That was hard work—you deserve it.
Happy snow day! Now time to make yourself a Danny Brown cocktail…