The Drinker’s Guide to Watching Olympic Figure Skating

Life hack: The best Olympic event is even better with copious amounts of booze.

vodka_skating

The Sochi Games have officially begun, offering us all an opportunity to question Russia’s viability as a nation, feign amazement that Jamaica actually has a bobsled team, and—most importantly—day drink while watching a bunch of white people pursue their dreams.

Needless to say, no Olympic event matches the sheer emotion and suspense of figure skating, which combines stunning athleticism with Cirque du Soleil-style showmanship. So just imagine how much more awesome it could be with a bottle of Russian Standard at your side.

The men’s program already got underway yesterday, but there’s still a lot more skating to come. Check the schedule, stock up on cheap beer and weird vodka, and get ready to do this thing properly. Spoiler alert: No matter what happens, it will end in tears!

The 2014 Olympic Figure Skating Drinking Game

Take a sip of beer…

…every time someone nails a triple toe loop. Take a penalty shot if you mistake the toe loop for a triple axel or lutz, you dummy!figureskating5

Take a shot…

…every time a pair of skaters visually references French kissing/fellatio in their routine.

figureskating2

Snort a capful of vodka…

…every time a skater does a flying jump kick and/or brushes his shoulders off.

figureskating8


Finish your beer…

…every time a competitor wears a possibly-racist costume.

skating_racist

Dab a splash of vodka in your eyeball…

…every time you wonder how a woman’s ice skates are not slicing her partner’s thighs open.figureskating6

Shotgun a beer and take off your trousers…

…if this happens.

figureskating9

Drink half a beer…

…if a male skater throws his female partner onto the ice like a sack of potatoes.

figureskating


Finish that beer…

…if a female skater throws her male partner onto the ice like Chun-Li from Street Fighter.

figureskating_fall

Take a bathroom break…

…every time a routine makes you blush in front of your mom.

figureskating_sexual

Chug for three seconds…

…every time Scott Hamilton says something that makes you want to punch the TV screen.

skating_hamilton


Ditto…

…every time Scott Hamilton says something so beautiful you want to cry.
figureskating_quote1

Pour one out for the stray dogs of Sochi…

…whenever NBC shows these cute huskies.
figureskating_puppies

Turn off the TV and drink for 5 minutes in silence…

…every time Nancy Kerrigan is mentioned.figureskating_kerrigan


Take two shots…

…each time the announcers question the credibility of Russian judges.figureskating_judging

Pound a glass of water…

…when you catch a skater holding in a fart.figureskating_fart

Take half a shot…

…if you catch a skater trying to locate his own anus.figureskating_butt


Sip your beer gloomily…

…every time the scene in the waiting area makes you want to call child services (until you remember that Russia probably doesn’t have child services).

figureskating_awkward

Fix yourself a “Putini“…

…every time the cameras pan to Vladimir in the audience.

skating_putin

Ask Siri if she knows a good coke dealer…

…if someone twerks on ice.

figureskating12

Stop drinking immediately…

…when this is all you can see in your TV screen.

figureskating3

Disclaimer: First We Feast does not actually recommend doing any of this. Instead, grab a fine Russian Imperial Stout, or fix yourself a vodka martini, and enjoy responsibly. Duh.

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