Alexander Graham Bell. Nikola Tesla. Elon Musk. Geniuses. Legends. Great inventors. Except none of their prized creations tackled the one thing we all truly care about: getting plowed.
Instead of working on the silly telephone, Bell could have put his brain power toward figuring out the wide-mouthed can. Why was Tesla studying alternating currents when 19th century folks still didn’t have a subtle way to sneak hooch into sporting contests? And Mr. Musk? Trying so hard to get human beings to Mars when here on Earth we still haven’t perfected playing beer pong in the pool. (The table keeps floating to the damn deep end!)
Luckily, our planet still has some inventors not worried about Nobel Prizes or getting their face on the cover of Time; men and women who have given the world things all of us truly need in our day-to-day lives. Or, at least, on most weekends.
Well, with the weekend now here, behold ten inventions that didn’t just encourage our best (or worst) drunken behaviors, but steroid-injected them into another stratosphere—something even Elon Musk couldn’t do with those fancy rocket ships of his.
Bottle Opener Sandals
Breakthrough: Lift a foot and pop the top.
If you’re a respectable bro, then you probably have a bottle opener key chain on you at all times, perhaps the same one since freshman year of college. But for the rest of us, we don’t always have one at our disposal. Where does one turn to then? The corner of an end table? Our teeth? Uh uh. How ’bout your shoes? Specifically your Reef Fanning sandals. Comfortable and water-resistant synthetic nubuck sandals that are snazzy enough—and that’s before you wield the churchkey bottle opener cleverly built into the sole!
The Barrel Aged Spirits Kit
Breakthrough: Imbues much-needed flavor.
The problem with well-aged brown spirits? They’re expensive. The problem with cheap white liquors? They’re terrible. Luckily there’s now a kit, consisting of two honeycombed charred-oak barrel staves that you plop into a bottle to quickly “age” your cruddy white spirit into something tasty. The longer the stave steeps, the bolder the flavor gets. Of course, at $20 for the whole kit ‘n’ caboodle you could just buy a bottle of Old Grand-Dad Bonded instead. (Photo: masonshaker.com)
Breakthrough: Homebrewing for the uber-lazy.
Who hasn’t dreamed of brewing their own beer? (What’s that you say? I’ll need tons of equipment, a sterile environment, hours of brew time, and then weeks of waiting for it to be ready?! Pass.) But what if you could design your own beer as quickly and easily as working a French press? Luckily, those mad scientists at Dogfish Head Brewery wanted to turn their customers into mad scientists at home. With the Randall Jr. you just twist off the top, add literally whatever edibles you want, then fill the device with beer. A few minutes later you have an infusion only hindered by your own imagination. A fresh-cut kiwi IPA? A Sour Patch Kids stout? A skirt steak saison? Go for it.
Breakthrough: Chugging champagne.
The biggest problem with champagne? You have to drink it all slow and classy-like. Screw that! This dishwasher-safe device was designed by stoners who, while at a Super Bowl party, dreamed of crafting an actual super bowl to smoke, but inadvertently created this wine shooter instead. Lovingly dubbed Chambong, with a four-ounce capacity and made of high borosilicate glass this—oh, does it even matter?! You can now chug Ace of Spades as fast as Jay-Z can pour it down your face! Or, rather, Baby Duck as fast as your roommate can. (Photo: chambong.com)
Breakthrough: Stealth drinking!
I like to sneak alcohol into sporting events not because I’m a cheapskate, but because I’m a snob. Stadiums just don’t have the quality libations that an insufferable geek like myself necessitates at all times in his life. Maybe you have other reasons for needing to squirrel away alcohol on your person, but whatever the case, The Beerbelly might be the most clever way to do it without getting caught by meddlesome security. The device is an insulated bladder worn in a sling around your neck, which disguises 80 ounces of liquid as a big, saggy gut instead. You know, something 99% of football fans already have. For ladies there’s the WineRack, a similar sports bra-type stealth beverage system. “Turn A cups in to (sic) Double Ds AND support your favorite beverage!!,” they claim. (Photo: thebeerbelly.com)
Breakthrough: Two scoops of drunkenness.
How often is another besotted night winding down when you’re faced with a difficult choice: drunk food or a nightcap? Why not combine them? Tipsy Scoop takes traditional ice cream ﬂavors and infuses them with a variety of liquors, making for cocktails in a pint tub. Flavors include such delicious options as Tequila Mexican “Hot” Chocolate, Dark Chocolate Whiskey Salted Caramel, and Strawberry White Sangria Sorbet with current “seasonal” flavors like Salted Caramel Apple Brandy and Candy Corn Vodka Martini. I tell you what—I wasn’t a believer in this product’s, ahem, powers until I tried a few bites of their delicious Negroni ice cream while stone cold sober. After eating half the tub, I was on my ass.
Breakthrough: Pissing for points.
You’ve been drinking heavily, you’re having a raucous time, and then you feel that dreaded sensation: you need to “break the seal.” Excellent! Because you’re about to have an even better time. The King & Queen pub in London is now one of several across Britain in which the men’s bathrooms are stocked with not Playstations, but “Peestations.” Urinal video games without controllers or joysticks, but which are instead manipulated by your, well, stream. Just don’t expect to beat all eight worlds of Super Mario Bros. before heading back out to drink with your buddies.
Breakthrough: Freedom to urinate anywhere.
Even if you’re at one of those aforementioned spots with video game urinals—the ones in Japan are designed by Sega no less!—it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll want to relinquish your comfy seat to pay them a visit. This is more critical at stadiums—especially if you’re sporting a BeerBelly—where we’re often faced with the nightmare of a walk up the countless stairs to the mezzanine, then waiting in a snaking line of dudes until you can actually drain your snake. Why, you could miss an entire quarter of action! Luckily, there’s the Stadium Pal, your new best friend that you actually allow to latch onto your junk. A portable urinal connected by a condom catheter and worn on your inner calf, now you can spend four hours straight pounding brews and yelling “Go team!” (Photo: stadiumpal.com)
Puke Toilet pic.twitter.com/nJQiE44bDe
— Darts & Karaoke (@theLunaLounge) September 13, 2015
Breakthrough: Vomiting without the mess.
Yes, sometimes we all have a little too much to imbibe—I mean, they did say it was “bottomless”!—and need to offer a bit of a refund to the bar that over-served us. Unfortunately, your modern toilet bowl is meant for bottoms, not heaving faces. Luckily, that most advanced nation of the Czech Republic now has one nightclub offering a special standing-height “puke toilet.” It even comes with hand-rails to improve the stability of ralphing customers. Disgusted? Well, at least no videos games are hooked up to it…
The Hangover Club
Breakthrough: Medically-enhanced hangover cures.
I’m not scared of much, but I’ll admit to one thing greatly frightening me: needles. (That one scene in Pulp Fiction? God.) But I’m also a man who frequently wakes up with a painful hangover. I quickly needed to get over my fear of needles for my first visit from The Hangover Club, an in-home/in-office service in which a certified nurse arrives to inject your body with a whole ‘lotta good shit. Created by a man named Dr. Beer—I shit you not—the IV “NutriDrip” includes such things as Lactated Ringer IV Solution, Super B’s Vitamin Booster, Glutathione Detox Push, and Liquid Magnesium. I have no clue what any of that stuff is, or does, but my hangover was gone in 45 minutes, so was my fear of needles, and I had a desperate aching for a breakfast burrito. I’d call that a success.
Aaron Goldfarb (@aarongoldfarb) is the author of How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide, The Guide for a Single Man, and The Guide for a Single Woman.