I love eggnog.
Wow. That feels so good to get off my chest. I know eggnog knew I liked it, and probably thought I like-liked it. But now it’s official.
I’m a sucker for seasonality. The fact that I can only eat a McRib 10 times out of the year is why I love them so much. I have an addictive personality, and I’ll always overindulge in something that is available only for a limited time. If you knew how much money I owe to QVC, you would vomit on yourself.
I’ve spent more than $200 so far this Yule Season on eggnog—pre-liquor. I actually told the manager at my local grocery store to call me when the first shipment of eggnog arrived.
My passion started innocently enough. Three years ago, my wife and I were watching National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and admiring the moose mugs. Both of us admitted we had never quaffed The Nog™. We decided to change that. From the first drop, I was hooked. As a white man, I am predisposed to loving dairy. I drink milk when I eat spaghetti. Nog drinking was in my blood. It was my destiny.
My love for nog goes way beyond enjoying the taste; it’s much deeper and richer than that.
You can mix any liquor with it, and it will be tasty. Eggnog is not finicky like a cocktail. It doesn’t need 10 different ingredients. Pour whatever liquor you have on hand in a glass and stir in some nog. I’ve used brandy, rum, bourbon, whiskey, apple pie moonshine, cognac, and a tequila/sherry blend. My current go-to is Bulleit with a splash of Jack Fire. Whatever spirit you like, eggnog will go with it. Eggnog is all encompassing. It does not exclude. It includes.
There’s a comradery aspect to eggnog, represented best by the large punchbowl of nog at a party. That vat encourages conversation and community. I’ve seen eggnog bring people of all walks of life together. Within my Social Media eCircle, a running gag has been going on for a year about “mollynog”— a mythical concoction of molly and eggnog.
The joke grew and grew, until one day a half-earnest suggestion emerged: “Should we do a Mollynog party?” I know for a fact a few people actually did mollynog. The fact those brave heroes haven’t received a Purple Heart yet just confirms that Obama is fucking up. However, the event brought a dozen Internet friends from all over the U.S. (some who had never met IRL) together. Looking at the pictures and tweets from that night, I couldn’t believe how beautiful it was. I asked one of the participants about it:
@BauceSauce mollynog was a dumb internet joke that turned into something real. it was neither abt molly nor nog, but rather building w/ fam
— ORNOG? (@KushKobain) December 23, 2014
It was about building with fam. Eggnog brought these people together with its spiritual yolk powers. It could probably mend the torn relationship with your mother if you let it. It could probably solve all of society’s ills if we let it…
Eggnog is a strange beverage. You can make it just by putting raw eggs into a bowl and pouring liquor on top of the eggs. It doesn’t seem like that should be a thing people drink, but it is. It’s heavy, so you can’t turn up with it on a full stomach. However, eggnog does force you to eat proper portions and curb your appetite. I once drank a whole gallon of eggnog in one night and lost six pounds the next day. How? Science is bullshit. Look out for my new weight-loss program “Nog N’ Jog,” sponsored by Beachbody® Home Fitness, in Q4 2015.
The type of drunk I get off of nog is a very content, downturnt drunk. Whereas beer makes me hyper happy, when I’m gone off nog I’m down to sit on the couch by a fire and watch Debby Macomber Hallmark Christmas movies all night with the squad. I want to chill and laugh. It’s like an affable version of lean.
Isn’t that the purpose of drinking? To like people more? Wait… I suppose “to forget all your troubles” is the real purpose, but liking people more is definitely the second. Eggnog is more than just a drink. It is a potable siren song, calling you in to the rocky coast of human interaction. Embrace it. Don’t be afraid to build with fam, and certainly don’t be afraid to be merry.